Good Intentions Gone Awry.

(Me and Cash after a day of playing outside)

Have you ever had one of those days where all of your good intentions sort of go wrong?  I have those days all the time so, really, it should never come as a surprise to me when it happens but sometimes I manage to surprise myself with my own ineptitude.

On Friday I made myself a mental to-do list for Saturday which included planting the rest of the flowers in our ginormous front flower bed, cleaning several rooms in our house which seem to be especially dusty, washing the dogs, and then maybe doing some laundry.  Had I done all of those things I would have felt a huge sense of accomplishment and our house and the front yard would have looked fantastic!  Sadly, it was not meant to be.

Let me back up a step here and explain that once a year, during SXSW, the famed week-long music festival, my husband Jonathan and Steph's husband Matt go to the all day event at The Continental Club which starts with Mojo Nixon's Jalapeno Pancake Breakfast and features a multitude of artists.  This year's lineup was as follows (for you music lovers):

10:00am    Allen Oldies
10:50am   Sara Petite
11:40am   Roger Alan Wade
12:25 pm  Two Hoots and a Holler
1:15 pm    The Mastersons
2:05pm     Whiskey Sisters
2:55 pm    Jon Dee Graham
3:45pm     James McMurtry
4:35 pm    The Iguanas
5:25 pm    Mojo Nixon

Stephanie said she would drive Matt & Jonathan downtown in the morning and I agreed to pick them up in the evening after the last act ended so they could save a bundle of money on cab fare.  The plan was for Jonathan to call or text me to come and get them when they were ready to come home.  I figured that I would spend my day on my to-do list and then pop downtown and pick them up (anticipated travel time = 1 hour) and then Jonathan and I would have a relaxing evening at home.  

My day started off on the wrong track when, instead of getting up and starting to do my chores, I opened up my laptop and logged into Facebook while turning on the TV and tuning in to Law & Order.  Naturally with that level of distraction I managed to lie around in my PJ's for 3 hours watching TV and writing pithy comments on FB.  Around 1pm I realized I needed to do something so I cleaned the master bathroom including the dusty area behind the jacuzzi (Nigel loves to play there).  I felt pretty good about that but really wasn't motivated to do much else so I decided to go over to Stephanie's house and "take" her time.

I showed up at Stephanie's around 3pm and, right away, I started "taking" by giving her Great Dane, Riggs, a big crunchy dog treat which he managed to crumble up all over the couch.  Score!!  Then, inexplicably, Stephanie decided we should take Cash outside to play (I think she didn't want me messing up her whole house which was my plan).  

The next thing I know Cash is making me play with him - we drew some great art with sidewalk chalk, kicked leaves into the sewer, and raked up dirt with some sticks - while Stephanie took pictures.  Somehow that sly Stephanie turned things around so SHE was taking MY time not the other way around.  Needless to say I was so dispirited by my failed "taking" event that I rushed home to cry for awhile.

Around 6pm Jonathan called me and told me that he and Matt were ready to be picked up downtown.  Since I knew they had spent the day drinking adult beverages at an exhausting concert I decided to bring them some bottled water and some tacos from Taco Cabana.  I grabbed the tacos and headed downtown in the LizMobile only to find that my timing calculations were completely off because I had forgotten that SXSW crowds combined with St. Patrick's Day crowds = total traffic mayhem/gridlock.  It took at least an hour to get downtown and another 30 minutes, after picking up Matt & Jonathan, to get out of traffic. (and can I just say that I know were are all supposed to LOVE bicyclists because they are eco-friendly but I freaking hate their slow-moving-in-traffic-bad-attitude-cut-in-front-of-cars-attitudes)

By the time we were on MoPac headed north I was in a pretty foul and bitchy mood which I did not keep to myself.  My husband was just thrilled with my continuous remarks about the traffic and how much of my time it took to go pick him up.  Later I felt pretty bad about complaining so much because I realized that Jonathan probably thought I was trying to make him feel guilty but really I was just mad that what I thought would be a 1 hour excursion took more than 2 hours on a Saturday night.  My fault entirely for not calculating correctly.  On the bright side I was able to "take" my husband's good mood and ruin it.  I didn't feel that good about that "taking" situation though.

So the long and the short of it is that sometimes "taking" doesn't go according to plan.  I learned that sometimes when you try to take from a friend you get so caught up in fun with a happy little kid (Cash) that you happily give your time instead of taking someone else's.  I also found that sometimes the best of intentions for giving lead to a bad kind of taking (ruining someone else's mood).  But with all of that said I am still committed to taking as much as I can from the world this year.  

Ruining Meals For Everyone in My Path. You Are Welcome World.

Wow. It's so hard to know where to start with today's Year of Taking Post.  Stephanie who is clearly mentally ill  very creative developed the "art work" you see in this post.  It's pretty disturbing so the least I can do is explain to my 5 readers who are probably all calling the police right about now.  Put the phone down and back away from the 9-1-1 call....the picture will make a strange sort of sense in a minute.

Today, my friend Danielle, the victim willing participant in a previous Year of Taking escapade, came over to my house for lunch.  I knew she was coming over and I admit I didn't do a lot of advance planning. If I were Martta, I would have made homemade bread and maybe a turkey for a lunch guest. But, sadly, I am not Martta, I am Empress Liz and I was busy with my Empress-like life (I went to Target this morning and I think we all know how distracting that can be) so I forgot to go to the store and buy any special food for lunch.  Or really any food at all.

To be fair, I did email Danielle this morning and ask if she wanted to order pizza or if she wanted soup and sandwiches. She responded that she didn't care what we ate but that she didn't eat olives.  Somehow in my mind I thought "oh, OK no pizza so I can just make sandwiches, I know we have ample sandwich stuff in our refrigerator".  And then I forgot about food for the moment.  At about noon I took some bread, cheese, the two remaining slices of ham (oops), Claussen pickle halves (delicious!!), peanut butter, Nutella, grapes, and an assortment of canned soup and placed it in an appetizing array on the counter.  It was a magazine perfect setup believe me!

When Danielle arrived I asked what she would like for me to make from the wide array of choices. She chose a ham and cheese sandwich.  Great! I had 2 pieces of ham and American cheese so I figured that would work.  But then she said she liked mustard on her sandwich  - in my defense I don't eat a lot of mustard on sandwiches so maybe my eye for quantity is a little off.  I squeezed mustard onto the bread...but as I was doing so I wondered if maybe it was too much mustard. 

It looked OK and Danielle didn't say "hey stop it! that's way too much mustard!" so I just added the ham and cheese to the  globs of mustard.  I asked if she wanted a delicious pickle and of course she said yes but that she wanted pickles on her sandwich.  Hmm...we didn't have any sliced pickles so I pulled one of the Claussen dill pickle halves out of the jar and asked her if I should cut it up before putting it on the sandwich. She said "no" so I put the pickle half right in the middle of the sandwich.  The sandwich looked kind of like a whale in between two pieces of bread.  

I didn't think about it at the time because I was busy sharing my political manifesto with Danielle (she was fascinated) but maybe Danielle didn't want a sandwich that was mostly pickle and mustard?  That thought didn't occur to me until I told Stephanie about how I made lunch today and she started asking probing questions like, "what did you make?"  And that is when I realized how much shame I should feel over taking Danielle's time today and taking away her opportunity for a delicious lunch.  When I told Stephanie about the sandwich she got that look on her face that she gets when she realizes I have done something really stupid and that she can ridicule me about for a long time. This was like Christmas-come-early for Stephanie

Stephanie asked me if I had taken a photo of the awful sandwich I made and I said that I didn't because at the point that it dawned on me that the sandwich sucked (when I saw mustard oozing out of the sides of two pieces of bread covering a giant pickle) that I didn't want to draw Danielle's attention to it.  I mean maybe she would think the sandwich was really good if I didn't say anything? 

So, Stephanie decided she would draw the sandwich the way she imagined it to be and that is the picture you see at the top of this post.  That doesn't explain the bunnies in teacups that she also put in the photo...that part of the photo has me a bit stumped.  But Stephanie lives in her own world so maybe she saw a bunny earlier and got distracted when creating the little photo of Danielle. I also don't know why there is a palm tree in the photo but I have been friends with Stephanie for a long time so I know not to even ask about that. I am sure it makes sense in her crazy mind.

And may I say, "I am truly sorry for the crappy sandwich I made you today Danielle."  I feel such shame but at the same time some pride that "taking" has become such a part of my life that I could take lunch from you without even trying! I am truly becoming a gifted taker.  I will make it up to you by making you a sandwich that is mostly ham and less pickle next time you come to my house...if you ever do.  

But if you think my day of taking ended there you are wrong.

I met Stephanie for dinner tonight (which is when it came to my attention that I am a bad hostess and bad sandwich maker) at Firebowl Cafe which makes a delicious pad thai.  Earlier in the day I told Jonathan to text me if he wanted me to bring him some dinner from Firebowl.  But then, when Stephanie started grilling me like some kind of crazy sandwich Nazi I got flustered  and I totally forgot about food for my husband and didn't check my phone until I was a block from home....and, of course, Jonathan had sent me a text asking me to bring him some pad thai.  I thought about blaming Stephanie but I realized that Jonathan would see through a self serving lie (you know, because he lives with me and knows my tricks) so I told him the truth and offered him a Sonic cheeseburger.   No go.

Ever since I got home Jonathan has been saying things like, "you know what would be really good now? Pad thai." And then he got a headache which seems to be turning into a migraine and I think he blames it on the lack of pad thai. So not only did I deprive my husband of the delicious Asian Fusion treat he craved but the lack of noodles has resulted in his developing a massive headache.  So you could say that today had been like a level 5 hurricane of Taking.

I sure will sleep well tonight. 

The end.

Stephanie, Cash, and Parenting Tips

I should alert my 5 subscribers that this post isn't really about "taking" its more of a background piece on Stephanie's and my friendship which is relevant because I mention her frequently in my blog and on my Facebook page.  Sometimes people who don't know me or Stephanie well wonder if my teasing is, perhaps, a little harsh.  This post should clear the air on that topic...

As many of you know I have a best friend. Her name is Stephanie and this blog was 1/2 her idea. We concocted the idea together at the Firebowl Cafe here in Austin.  Many of you have also noticed that I give Stephanie a lot of grief on her blog and on Facebook and this post is all about why I do that, why we are friends, and why Stephanie needs so much of my "advice" and "counsel".  

Steph and I met in 2005 when we were both working at the same company.  We started a weekly ritual of having dinner together every Wednesday night. Sometimes we went out and sometimes we hung out at my place and cooked dinner (read: I cooked Kraft Macaroni & Cheese for Stephanie) and just watched Law & Order.  But whatever we were doing that one night per week was the time we unwound, complained about the things people complain about, and laughed a lot.  In other words, we had a perfect girlfriends night once a week.

In 2006 Stephanie got married and my living room and our Wednesday nights became ground zero for the creation of wedding programs, menus, save the date cards etc.  Over time, as some friends do, we started to notice that we each had a few quirks and, as friends do, we started to make fun of each other for those quirks.  Sometimes humor really keeps you grounded and honest about who you are.

When Stephanie got pregnant in 2010 she told me by bringing me a bouquet of flowers with a card that said, "You are going to be Aunt Liz"!  It was so sweet.  I was very nervous about how her pregnancy would change our friendship as I am not a big "child lover" and I have to admit, I didn't really want to share Stephanie and our Wednesday nights with a baby.  

I think Steph knew about my apprehension and so as usual we approached the situation with humor.  We started joking around about her unborn baby whom she called "Lumpy".  We joked about how all the Splenda she consumed would cause the child to be born a cyclops.  We joked about how Matt & Steph would love little Lumpy even if (or in Matt's case "especially if") he were born with features that made him fit to join the circus and tour as a "freak". In other words we both had a good laugh about Steph's pregnancy and, over time, I got a lot more comfortable with sharing my best friend with a Lumpy little baby. In fact, I started to get excited about becoming Aunt Liz.  

Since I am a control freak the mere thought of being Aunt Liz sent me into a planning frenzy.  Lumpy would need to start learning a language in the womb. He should start physics at age 2. And of course he would go to Stanford or maybe Harvard.  Aunt Liz started to have big plans for Lumpy which amused Stephanie but I also think she kind of liked the fact that I was now excited about (instead of being apprehensive about) her baby.  Stephanie teased me about my plans for Lumpy just as I started to tease her about undoing all my planning for the baby's future. And so the foundation for our jokes about her parenting skills was laid.

Then Lumpy - renamed Cash at birth - was born.  Aunt Liz and Uncle Jonathan fell in love with little Cash who was such a sweet baby.  But one thing we started to notice is that when shown a baby (or even a phot of one) every single person in the world seems compelled to say "ooh how cute" and "ooh he is so beautiful" and its so predictable and boring.  I started rolling my eyes every time Steph posted a photo of Cash on her blog or Facebook page and saw that 40 people wrote, "Oh he is so cute".  Really? That is the best comment you can come up with? Nothing funny? Nothing interesting?  

Since I can't stand being predictable or boring I started leaving comments on Stephanie's blog that were just the opposite of what any normal person would say about Cash, his antics, and his photos because it made Stephanie laugh.  And then we found out that some of Steph's friends and family were in on our joke and they started reading my comments and it made them laugh too.  So Stephanie started writing things and posting photos on her blog that she knew would bait me into writing my "rants"...and it became a fun inside joke among our closest friends and family.  And that is what it remains today.  So for anyone who reads our Facebook banter or the banter on this blog or Running With Lumpy now you know why we tease each other so mercilessly...because it makes us laugh.  And we hope you laugh along too!

If you read this far I should tell you that I just "took" your valuable time reading my blog.  Thankfully I was able to "take" something of value (your time) from you today.  

PS: Stephanie - don't think for a minute that just because I wrote a few nice things about you that I am going to stop making fun of you.  Oh, and I stole 50 of your invisible magic beans from your backyard today.  I know that is going to drive you freaking crazy and you will probably search your whole yard for them tomorrow and you won't find them.

Taking from Friends

The Year of Taking is off to a roaring start!  I have taken chopsticks, fortune cookies (which have shitty "fortunes" written in them theses days - more like random statements of fact than fortunes), toothpicks, and mints.  I have even managed to take up some of my friends' time when they read this ridiculous blog.

But yesterday was a bonanza of taking!!

First of all, I am spending a few days in Oklahoma which means I am now taking from a state other than Texas! The Year of Taking is going national!

I took free food when the lady who runs the guesthouse brought me a huge breakfast consisting of quiche, scones, and fruit salad. (I don't know if she thinks I play professional football or if she cooks this much for all of her guests) I took most of the food over to my dad's house because I couldn't eat all the food she brings for one breakfast in a week.

Then, at lunch with my friend Susan Flint Shock, I took half the potatoes off her plate. Right in front of her!  OK, if you have to know the whole story, she insisted that I take the potatoes so she wouldn't eat them all which made sense if you tasted them....very delicious and potentially fattening.  I guess that means that I also took her calories.

Then I took my brother Steve's time when he put gas in my car.  I don't know if that really counts as taking because he offered to pump the gas.  What the heck, lets count it as a "take".

I guess with all this taking I should do some giving...Stephanie's idea for "Filanthropy Friday" this week was ridiculous and I have already mocked her on her blog for this particular charity/scam so I won't give to her charity of the week.  You can read about it here: http://runningwithlumpy.blogspot.com/

No, I think that in honor of being in Oklahoma this week I will give to Blaze's Tribute Equine Rescue, Inc. which is in the tiny town of Jones, OK.  Because (seriously) if there is one thing I hate it is cruelty to animals.  So I would like to do my part for an organization that adopts neglected or abused horses.

Blaze's Tribute Equine Rescue, Inc., located in Jones, Oklahoma, is a non-profit 501(C)3 organization that strives to improve the lives of neglected, starved and abused horses. We provide equine rescue regardless of age or disability. We provide Rehabilitation, Education and Adoption Services. We promote and teach horse care and humane, natural methods for training horses.

I just donated $50 to Blaze's Equine Rescue.  (Tip for sensitive readers: don't read the Elvis Tribute section of the website unless you like to be sad and cry a lot).

OK, now I must get back to my day which includes a drive to Cordell, Oklahoma and hopefully some taking from my friend Melia, her husband Dick, and their two sons.  I wonder if I can take all their silverware without them noticing....? To be continued....