Taking from Non-Dangerous Friends

After a slow week of taking last week I am pleased to announce that I am off to a pretty good start this week.  My friend Danielle and I had lunch at a place called The Noble Pig which is pretty darn good. In fact its so good that you can see everyone looking at what all other customers are eating and thinking about taking their food.  When you eat there you learn quickly to keep your fork pointed upward so that if some stranger comes to try to nab your sandwich you can fight back. I can't really talk about the specifics of some of my previous visits because the Austin Police are still investigating and let's just say I had to leave through the back door when the cops showed up.  Enough about that.

Danielle fully understood the potential ramifications of having lunch with me because she is one of the 5 people (I like to think of you all as my fan club) who subscribe to this blog.  So, right off the bat, Danielle said she would pay for lunch so that I could "take" her money.  Score! What a good sport she is!

Here is Danielle:

In addition to our sandwiches Danielle ordered some potato salad for us to share (so I could take some) which was quite delicious.  During lunch I took Danielle's time by regaling her with my parenting philosophies (she has a 2 year old daughter named Addison), my list of grievances with Stephanie, my thoughts on the latest issue of the UFO Sighter's Guide, and the fact that Whitney Houston's death was a  government conspiracy terrible tragedy.  Danielle, like most people, was fascinated with my views and she even called me Empress twice (to be fair, I had to remind her to address me as Empress) so I know she had a great time.  There is no way that she could have felt that I was "taking" her valuable time and dominating the conversation because if she felt that way it would mean that maybe my conversation isn't as scintillating as I had previously assumed.  Impossible!

After we finished our delicious lunch, Danielle, always a good sport about The Year of Taking, bought us each a desert tart:

The deserts that Danielle got sounded really disgusting when she told me what they were.  Each of these is a tart with chocolate ganache topped with bacon.  I thought maybe she decided to torture me by seeing if she could trick me into eating something nasty...but my natural paranoia was misplaced. Sweet Danielle treated us to an interesting and surprisingly terrific treat. She explained that the salt in the bacon brings out he sugar or the chocolate or something.....blah, blah, blah. I think I dozed off during the explanation but  it was really good.

After lunch Danielle begged and pleaded with me to come to her office and spend the rest of the day telling her all about my interesting and correct perspective on life, the Universe, and Everything (Douglas Adams reference for you nerds). But I told her she had taken quite enough of my time today thank you and what did she think about me anyway? That I have nothing to do besides help make her smarter by lecturing her all day? The nerve of some people.  Danielle just couldn't take no for an answer and when she grabbed my arm and started begging me to come to her office I had to distract her by pretending the restaurant was on fire while I ran out the back of the restaurant and hid behind the dumpster until Danielle stopped crying enough to get in her car and go back to work. It was such an embarrassing spectacle.  Mostly for me though because while I was hiding behind the dumpster the restaurant staff missed when dumping out a big pail full of pig parts so now I have to get my car cleaned professionally and I have no idea when my hair will stop smelling like pork. Pretty gross but my dogs really want to snuggle with me now....

After escaping back to the safety of my home and hosing off in the backyard I opened the mail.  I was surprised and disappointed to find that the University of Chicago ripped me off! They took from me!! If you are a regular reader of this blog (which is doubtful if you have any self respect at all) then you know that a couple of weeks ago I responded to an email from U of Chicago which offered me a free set of ugly playing cards in return for a $25 donation to the college.  I received no playing cards and, instead, just got this crappy letter:

What a freaking gyp.  They lied to me! I can't believe it. I was lied to and had my money taken under false pretenses.  Thanks a lot University of Chicago. Enjoy spending my $25 and playing with the deck of cards you didn't send me. 

Slow Week of Taking

I have been very fortunate this year. My business has been booming and I have worked nearly non stop...even through Superbowl weekend.  I am working 6-7 days a week right now so it makes it really hard to do any serious taking. Or much giving for that matter.

This particular week was kind of crummy so I decided that I would find a charity of some kind that I found amusing and donate to it.  Here are a few of the ones that made the Final 4 list for me this week:

Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster (Pastafarianism): By design, the only dogma allowed in the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster is the rejection of dogma. That is, there are no strict rules and regulations, there are no rote rituals and prayers and other nonsense. Every member has a say in what this church is and what it becomes.  To outsiders it makes us hard to define, but here are some general things that can be said about our beliefs:

• We believe pirates, the original Pastafarians, were peaceful explorers and it was due to Christian misinformation that they have an image of outcast criminals today.
• We are fond of beer
• Every Friday is a Religious Holiday
• We do not take ourselves too seriously
• We embrace contradictions (though in that we are hardly unique)

The James Randi Educational Foundation. "The James Randi Educational Foundation was founded in 1996 to help people defend themselves from paranormal and pseudoscientific claims. The JREF offers a still-unclaimed million-dollar reward for anyone who can produce evidence of paranormal abilities under controlled conditions."

The South Yorkshire Gerbil Rescue Organization.  "We are a home based non-profit rescue/rehome organisation that exists solely to help out gerbils that are in situations where their owners are unable to care for them any longer. We will happily take in gerbils from anywhere in the South Yorkshire area. We will give them a comfortable place to stay until we can find them a suitable place to live."  (Given that gerbils have a lifespan of about a year this seems like a bit of a waste of time but who am I to judge gerbil-lovers.)

The Lemming Rescue and Rehabilitation Society.  Dedicated to saving sweet fluffy innocent lemmings the world over from great biological tragedy.  From their Facebook page (which only had 18 "likes" until I decided to "like" it too:

The Lemming Rescue and Rehabilitation Society sponsors an annual suicide intervention program using state-of-the-art rescue equipment. The LRRS also believes that suicidal tendencies in rodents can be treated with pschological counseling. The Society also firmly believes that population explosions can be prevented with reproductive counseling. Finally, we have an extensive program of cliff demolition. Cliffs CAN be made safer!

I chose the James Randi foundation to receive my gigantic donation of $10 but each of these others will receive a donation from me sometime this year. I am pretty sure the Lemming Rescue is a joke but I am willing to give them a few bucks just because it's so damn funny and I wish I would have thought of it.

Wish me a better week of taking this upcoming week. I am having lunch with my friend Danielle, taking the dogs to the groomer, having dinner with Stephanie, and lunch with a business colleague so there should be some pretty good "taking" opportunities this week. Oh yeah, and I am "taking" my husband's evening tonight because, guess what? He is making fried chicken and macaroni and cheese for me again tonight! Score!

PS: If you want to read about a more serious charitable contribution check out what Stephanie did for Filanthropy Friday this week over on her blog.

Worst. Week. Of Taking. Ever.

Well its been a bad week for taking.  I did more giving than taking this week and that goes against the whole Year of Taking(tm) concept.  I feel like I am going to confession or something as I admit all the giving I did this week:

I gave $50 to Planned Parenthood. I was spurred to action because of the big scandal/controversy over the Susan G. Komen Foundation (I don't like the Komen Foundation anyway because they spend $1 million per year suing little 5Ks around the country who have the nerve to say their race to benefit breast cancer research is, "for the cure"...like Komen owns those 3 little words or something. Punks.) pulling a big grant that they had been giving to PP.  Whatever you think about PP they offer low cost health care to women who need it and that is a great thing.

I gave $25 to the University of Chicago. I don't feel so bad about this one because they lured me in by offering me a set of U of C playing cards if I gave them $25. So really I am taking some playing cards which I am sure will be really ugly because while U of C is a great school their general design scheme on things like T-shirts and coffee cups is pretty bad.  I think the cards have gargoyles on them which has "regift" written all over it for me...I wonder who the lucky recipient of this little regift will be? Could be Stephanie, Melia, Amy, Alisha, Susan, Julie, Cindy, or Aruni...hard to say which of my lucky friends will get this awesome gift from me for Christmas.

I became an ASPCA Guardian and pledged to give $20 per month indefinitely to the ASPCA.  And I don't even get anything back. Actually I think they gave me a discount at the ASPCA store but I didn't get to "take" anything meaningful at all.

As you can see, in terms of pure "taking" this was a crappy week. Sigh.

So, last night I had to do a little taking. When Jonathan's and my friend Matt Naylor came over to our house to continue his day-long birthday celebration with Jonathan I knew I had to find a way to take something. So I took Matt's patience and happiness by refusing to turn the TV Channel away from the movie, "GI Joe: Rise of the Cobra" which Matt calls, "the worst movie ever. It's just plain bad. There is nothing good about it. It sucks the light out of the world" - G.M. Naylor.  

I felt really good about making him watch GI Joe because I knew what it was taking out of him to be in the same room as a movie he hates so much. Eventually he curled up into a little ball on the floor and cried.  I thought he was really that upset but it turns out it was just a trick to get me to put the remote control down so he could get it and change the channel.  The joke was on me because he and Jonathan wouldn't give me back the remote and I had to watch that "reality" show Gold Rush which features a bunch of really dirty guys who try unsuccessfully every day of their lives to find gold.  They should call that show "An Exercise in Futility, Redneck Style".

Today I am going to find something to take even if it kills me.  It's Superbowl Sunday so that presents some interesting opportunities. For one thing there is a Law & Order marathon on TNT all day so I could just take the TV and refuse to let my husband watch the Superbowl. But that is kind of stupid because we have like 5 TVs in our house.  I will have to think of something because this week I am very dispirited by my lack of taking.

The Year of Taking - Julie England and the Kearns High School Band

Wow! The Year of Taking had a banner day today.  I am so excited about what I 'took' today that I can hardly stand it.

Background: my friend Julie Ward England lives in Utah and her son, allegedly, is in a band. I say allegedly because I don't even know if she has a son or if she just made that up for the Facebook scheme she is spearheading to get people to donate money to the Kearns High School Band.  I don't even know if Kearns High School exists but Julie sent me a spiffy flyer for an upcoming band concert so lets assume that the school exists but I have no idea if there is really a concert coming up or if Julie has developed an enterprising idea to line her pockets with a little cash.  That Julie is a slippery one so it's hard to say.

I told Julie I would contribute to her ponzi scheme band booster club and so I sent her a check for $5 million dollars the other day.  (OK maybe slightly less than that) In return, Julie let me "take" a few items from her. First, you have to see the envelope because at least Julie knows to call me the Empress unlike some people named Stephanie who can't seem to get the hang of my new title.

The back of the envelope is equally awesome with tons of stickers to jazz it up a little. Julie knows a little something about correspondence:

Inside the envelope here are the things I get to take from Julie:

1. A See's Candy Coupon good for 1 pound of chocolate that was supposedly given to Julie by a grateful patient (she is a RN).   I love See's and hope to be able to use this coupon very soon but what is awesome about this coupon is that I am pretty sure it's been regifted a few times. Note that it says to "Belida" not to "Julie".  So either Julie has an alias (possible, given her track record with the law) or this coupon has been passed around a bit.

2. One Starbuck's gift card. Awesome. Love it.  My metabolism is fueled mainly by caffeine so this is great for me.

3. One "gently used" saxaphone reed.  For those of you who don't know much about band instruments let me explain that saxaphone reeds are what go in the saxaphone player's mouth. They get all spit-covered and gross.  While I will "take" anything I can get during the Year of Taking I am pretty sure the joke is on me here.  For all I know the kid who used this had a cold, or malalria, or something even worse and now I have become infected just by opening the envelope. Or maybe Julie found it on the ground or something. Who knows? But, I say "Well played Julie, well played".

Here is Julie's letter in which she explains the things I am "taking" off her hands:

Here is my loot:

**In case you are wondering why the photo of the gift certificates and the sax reed appears to be upside down, the answer is that I have no clue. It was right side up when I saved it and then it appeared upside down on my blog. I have no idea how to fix this so if you have any complaints you can keep it to yourself...what do I look like to you, some kind of computer engineer?

I have to give Julie props for being the most creative contributor to The Year of Taking so far.  This was very funny stuff and I love that. Thanks for playing along Julie!

I wonder how much a "gently used saxaphone reed" would sell for on Ebay...?

The Year of Taking - Jonathan Hogue Weekend Edition

Well this has been quite a weekend of "taking" for me.  I have taken up lots of my husband's time and energy, I "took" home decor ideas from my friend Melia, and I took up part of my husband's Sunday with a home decor project.  I will go through all the "taking" I have done this weekend day by day.

Saturday
Yesterday I persuaded my husband to walk the dogs with me (not his favorite thing) which took up at least 30 minutes on Saturday. 

Also on Saturday I pointed out the front cover of Bon Appetite Magazine which has the "Best Fried Chicken" recipe on it.  I suggested that at some point we should try the recipe but I had no expectation that Jonathan would make it anytime soon.  Then I had to work most of day and all I knew was that Jonathan was going to the grocery store. When he came back he said he was going to surprise me with a special dinner. Score!! (note: Jonathan is one of the most amazing chefs in the world which is how he wooed me when we first started dating)

At around 5:30 pm when I was done working I came downstairs and Jonathan told me he was making not only the "Best Fried Chicken" recipe from the magazine but also all the other dishes that the editors/food lovers suggest be served with this chicken.  To say it was the best fried chicken I have ever had doesn't seem descriptive enough but I am from the South and grew up on fried chicken so you can believe me when I say that this meal was Heavenly.  He also made homemade macaroni and cheese and wilted escarole with proscuito (which was also amazing and way better than the name sounds).  Here is what I had for dinner:

After dinner I fell into a food coma.

Sunday
Melia posted photos on her Facebook page of some window covering stuff that she bought at Home Depot while I was visiting her.  I was less than enthusiastic about the shopping experience but when she posted photos of how great her windows looked I got very excited about getting some myself. 

Part of the reason I was so excited is that we have a long narrow window next to our front door which is ground zero for dog barking at our house.  I got so fed up with it that last Halloween (by far the worst barking day of the year at our house) that I used push pins to put up a piece of white satin cloth over the window so the dogs couldn't see outside.  It was only supposed to be for Halloween but I started to enjoy the peace and quiet and couldn't think of any other easy options so I left it there.  Classy. Very classy.  I also put a no soliciting sign up as well as one of those stickers that lets firefighters know there are pets inside in case your house catches on fire.  Don't you wish you lived next door to me and my classy front window?

Enter Melia and her classy window coverings.  After drinking my usual 24 oz of Diet Coke this morning I raced to Home Depot to purchase some of the same window covering that Melia has.  She texted me helpful tips (like measure your windows first) which was useful and allowed me to "take" some of her valuable weekend time.

I brought back the window covering and persuaded Jonathan who was quite happily relaxing, watching TV, and surfing the web in his big comfy chaise lounge to get up and help me put up the window covering. And by "help me" I mean he did 90% of the work. I took at least an hour of  his relaxation time today.  Big winner: me.

Here is our improved and much classier front window.

I love it. Next up: putting this same window covering on our kitchen windows. But not today. I have done enough taking of Jonathan's time for now. Plus I want him to save his strength for dinner...he is making steaks and mashed potatoes for dinner tonight!  I am a lucky gal and I know it. Thank you for letting me "take" so much of your time this weekend Jonathan: "best husband ever".

The Perils of Taking Food From Friends

Today I had a challenging "taking" experience and it was so unexpected because it involves my friend Lauren Farwell who is one of the most peace loving, vegetarian, PhD in Psychology-getting people I know.

This is Lauren:

Doesn't she look sweet?  This is Lauren at our favorite restaurant Tan My (best Vietnamese Pho in Austin) before we started eating.

I ordered my usual Pho: brisket and noodles in beef broth. She got shrimp in chicken broth.  My soup was delicious but, boy did her shrimp look good.  After awhile I said I would like to take a shrimp from her soup.  Before she could respond I reached over with my chopsticks and took 1 little shrimp out of her soup.

And that is when all hell broke loose.

Lauren grabbed the hot sauce container that you see in the photo above and squirted me in the eyes while simultaneously grabbing my chop sticks and ripping them out of my hands.  The flimsy little napkins they have at Tan My are no match for a quart of hot sauce and sadly for me I had forgotten the large cloth napkin I usually bring to lunch.  Lauren kicked my chair out from under me and while I was writhing on the floor in pain and trying to wipe the hot sauce out of my eyes Lauren flipped me onto my stomach and put both her knees into my back. Then she started smashing my face into the floor.

The worst part of this, from the restaurant's perspective, is that there were several small children in the restaurant at the time.  They don't need to see this kind of violence.  At this point I just started sobbing uncontrollably and offering to give Lauren all my money, the extra mints I keep in my purse, and even my shoes.  I think I may have even offered give her Matt & Stephanie's son Cash but I don't remember....I would have promised her anything to make it stop.

I think my screams of pain mixed with the voices of crying Asian children finally broke Lauren out of the trance she had fallen into.  Lauren stopped rubbing my face into the grimy linoleum long enough to lean close to my ear and whisper, "No stealing my food".  I whimpered that I would never "take" her food again and hoped I would regain sight in my right eye.

Lauren seemed to feel bad about the ninja-like fury she launched on me and she helped me get up from the floor.  I think my ribs are just bruised and my black eyes should heal in a week or so.  But I think that hot sauce may have actually blinded me in one eye. I guess it's OK I can still mostly see out of the other one.

Needless to say the proprietors of Tan My asked us to leave but they were kind enough to pack our soup to go.  The strange thing is that Lauren didn't seem at all upset with me as she walked and I limped out of the restaurant. She told me that when someone steals her food it is a "trigger" that brings back memories of when she was a homeless child living on nothing but scraps of sushi, foie gras, and french bread on the streets of Malibu, CA.  I now know not to do things to trigger her catlike reflexes and Ninja training.  No hard feelings on my part - that episode was certainly my fault.

I think we are getting together for lunch again in a couple of weeks and it turns out she is moving into my neighborhood - I hope my body heals enough to go to her housewarming party.

The Year of Taking - Douglas Family Edition

Well I took the Year of Taking on the road to Oklahoma last week and it was, overall, a huge success.  If you read this blog regularly you already know that I took food from my friend Susan Flint Shock and took my brother, Steve's, time and energy.  (Blurry and not-so-good photo of me and Susan before I took her potatoes below.) But that was just part 1 of the trip.

In Part 2 of my Oklahoma adventure I drove to Western Oklahoma to a town called Cordell to spend the weekend with my friend Melia Douglas and her family: husband Dick (winner of many compound bow competitions and iconic maker of bad jokes), son Cole (he prefers if we refer to him as a talented Gamer), and son Case (aficionado of the game Bejeweled).

When I arrived at the Douglas abode, Dick informed me that in the spirit of The Year of Taking he was going to "take" the bill for dinner that night.  Score!  Dick also "took" all of us out to dinner and was the designated driver.  So I was able to take both his money and time.  An awesome start to the weekend if you ask me. Also ate a delicious burger at the Meers Store which is in the middle of nowhere but is truly worth the drive to get there...it reminded me of a lot of mom-and-pop owned restaurants in Austin.  Loved the atmosphere and the food. (note for lovers of fried Okra - the place had the best I have ever had)    Meers Store & Restaurant

On Saturday, Melia and I drove to OKC to meet a friend of ours, Stacey Harmon Sousa for lunch.  (Note: Melia didn't get lost, it was the fault of the stupid road builders who make everything more confusing than it should be. Damn them)  We went to Ted's Cafe Escondido which was a bonanza of taking! First, both Melia and I "took" a lot of Stacey's time by showing up late and making her wait in the long line for a table.  Fortunately, by taking her time, we were able to stroll in and get seated in about 5 minutes.  When the conversation at lunch turned to the topic of resumes another "taking opportunity" presented itself...I was able to "take" the bill and expense it since we talked about topics related to my business.

After lunch Melia took us shopping. This enabled her to "take" time off Stacey's and my lives by creating an opportunity for us to stand around Home Depot while she chose some kind of window covering stuff.  I am sure it will be beautiful when its installed and I sure hope so since I spent at least 30 minutes of my life contributing to its ultimate purchase by Melia.  While Melia was diligently choosing window covering stuff I walked through the store taking random items (I was NOT shoplifting) and putting them in Melia's shopping basket while she wasn't looking.  I found this amusing.  Melia was surprised to find spray paint, full-body jumpsuits, and face masks in her basket.  She made me put all that stuff back even though I am sure she could have used all those products at some point.

When we returned to Cordell that evening Dick and Melia made an amazing dinner which I was able to take and eat.  I also "took" by not contributing anything but my witty rapparte to the dinner preparations. I also "took" some wine.

On Sunday as I was packing to leave I realized that I hadn't really taken anything of value from their house (besides their time, energy, food, and hospitality) so I started looking around for something to take.  Melia offered her silverware but she seemed a little to eager about that so I didn't know if it was because she secretly wants new silverware or because she had the cops on speed dial for just such an occasion.  Needless to say I steered clear of that potential "taking disaster".  So, I kept looking.  Melia suggested that I take Cole and Case with me. She even offered to pack all their stuff and put it in my car.  I didn't think she was really serious about that one and was, again, concerned about the potential for cops-on-speed-dial, I eliminated the kids from the possible items I might "take".

But then I saw it, the holy grail of possible items I could take: a 14-point buck trophy (deer head to you non hunters) that was hanging on the wall in the Douglas's front hall.  But how to take it without being noticed?

 I decided to sneak upstairs and try to "take" it off the wall...which was more difficult than it looked.


Next, how could I sneak out of the house without being noticed?

Surely they wont notice...

Totally busted by Dick.

Well as long as I was already caught in the act I decided to fight for it.  It got ugly.  There was blood shed and tears flowed.  Long story short, I lost.  The trophy stayed and I had to leave.  I heard that the Douglas family is installing a metal detector and gun turrets in their house to protect against "taking". 

I don't mind that I couldn't get the deer head/trophy for my year of taking project...I took a lot of other stuff in Oklahoma and this would have been the icing on the cake.  You can't have (or take) everything.

On my way out of town (visualize Dick, barefoot in his pajamas, with his shotgun running behind my car while I drive crazily down the street to flee) I stopped for gas and when I got back in the car I found that a fly had joined me for my trip.  He hung out on the windshield while I regaled him with stories of the Douglas family and we had a lovely trip back to Texas.  Isn't it great that on my way back home I could "take" one more thing in Oklahoma even it if was just an insect? (His name is Norman by the way and he is a Scorpio, likes long walks in the sun, and apparently only had a life span of about 4 hours.  We had fun together though).

Thank you to Susan, Melia, and Dick for being such good sports about The Year of Taking!