Good Intentions Gone Awry.

(Me and Cash after a day of playing outside)

Have you ever had one of those days where all of your good intentions sort of go wrong?  I have those days all the time so, really, it should never come as a surprise to me when it happens but sometimes I manage to surprise myself with my own ineptitude.

On Friday I made myself a mental to-do list for Saturday which included planting the rest of the flowers in our ginormous front flower bed, cleaning several rooms in our house which seem to be especially dusty, washing the dogs, and then maybe doing some laundry.  Had I done all of those things I would have felt a huge sense of accomplishment and our house and the front yard would have looked fantastic!  Sadly, it was not meant to be.

Let me back up a step here and explain that once a year, during SXSW, the famed week-long music festival, my husband Jonathan and Steph's husband Matt go to the all day event at The Continental Club which starts with Mojo Nixon's Jalapeno Pancake Breakfast and features a multitude of artists.  This year's lineup was as follows (for you music lovers):

10:00am    Allen Oldies
10:50am   Sara Petite
11:40am   Roger Alan Wade
12:25 pm  Two Hoots and a Holler
1:15 pm    The Mastersons
2:05pm     Whiskey Sisters
2:55 pm    Jon Dee Graham
3:45pm     James McMurtry
4:35 pm    The Iguanas
5:25 pm    Mojo Nixon

Stephanie said she would drive Matt & Jonathan downtown in the morning and I agreed to pick them up in the evening after the last act ended so they could save a bundle of money on cab fare.  The plan was for Jonathan to call or text me to come and get them when they were ready to come home.  I figured that I would spend my day on my to-do list and then pop downtown and pick them up (anticipated travel time = 1 hour) and then Jonathan and I would have a relaxing evening at home.  

My day started off on the wrong track when, instead of getting up and starting to do my chores, I opened up my laptop and logged into Facebook while turning on the TV and tuning in to Law & Order.  Naturally with that level of distraction I managed to lie around in my PJ's for 3 hours watching TV and writing pithy comments on FB.  Around 1pm I realized I needed to do something so I cleaned the master bathroom including the dusty area behind the jacuzzi (Nigel loves to play there).  I felt pretty good about that but really wasn't motivated to do much else so I decided to go over to Stephanie's house and "take" her time.

I showed up at Stephanie's around 3pm and, right away, I started "taking" by giving her Great Dane, Riggs, a big crunchy dog treat which he managed to crumble up all over the couch.  Score!!  Then, inexplicably, Stephanie decided we should take Cash outside to play (I think she didn't want me messing up her whole house which was my plan).  

The next thing I know Cash is making me play with him - we drew some great art with sidewalk chalk, kicked leaves into the sewer, and raked up dirt with some sticks - while Stephanie took pictures.  Somehow that sly Stephanie turned things around so SHE was taking MY time not the other way around.  Needless to say I was so dispirited by my failed "taking" event that I rushed home to cry for awhile.

Around 6pm Jonathan called me and told me that he and Matt were ready to be picked up downtown.  Since I knew they had spent the day drinking adult beverages at an exhausting concert I decided to bring them some bottled water and some tacos from Taco Cabana.  I grabbed the tacos and headed downtown in the LizMobile only to find that my timing calculations were completely off because I had forgotten that SXSW crowds combined with St. Patrick's Day crowds = total traffic mayhem/gridlock.  It took at least an hour to get downtown and another 30 minutes, after picking up Matt & Jonathan, to get out of traffic. (and can I just say that I know were are all supposed to LOVE bicyclists because they are eco-friendly but I freaking hate their slow-moving-in-traffic-bad-attitude-cut-in-front-of-cars-attitudes)

By the time we were on MoPac headed north I was in a pretty foul and bitchy mood which I did not keep to myself.  My husband was just thrilled with my continuous remarks about the traffic and how much of my time it took to go pick him up.  Later I felt pretty bad about complaining so much because I realized that Jonathan probably thought I was trying to make him feel guilty but really I was just mad that what I thought would be a 1 hour excursion took more than 2 hours on a Saturday night.  My fault entirely for not calculating correctly.  On the bright side I was able to "take" my husband's good mood and ruin it.  I didn't feel that good about that "taking" situation though.

So the long and the short of it is that sometimes "taking" doesn't go according to plan.  I learned that sometimes when you try to take from a friend you get so caught up in fun with a happy little kid (Cash) that you happily give your time instead of taking someone else's.  I also found that sometimes the best of intentions for giving lead to a bad kind of taking (ruining someone else's mood).  But with all of that said I am still committed to taking as much as I can from the world this year.  

Ruining Meals For Everyone in My Path. You Are Welcome World.

Wow. It's so hard to know where to start with today's Year of Taking Post.  Stephanie who is clearly mentally ill  very creative developed the "art work" you see in this post.  It's pretty disturbing so the least I can do is explain to my 5 readers who are probably all calling the police right about now.  Put the phone down and back away from the 9-1-1 call....the picture will make a strange sort of sense in a minute.

Today, my friend Danielle, the victim willing participant in a previous Year of Taking escapade, came over to my house for lunch.  I knew she was coming over and I admit I didn't do a lot of advance planning. If I were Martta, I would have made homemade bread and maybe a turkey for a lunch guest. But, sadly, I am not Martta, I am Empress Liz and I was busy with my Empress-like life (I went to Target this morning and I think we all know how distracting that can be) so I forgot to go to the store and buy any special food for lunch.  Or really any food at all.

To be fair, I did email Danielle this morning and ask if she wanted to order pizza or if she wanted soup and sandwiches. She responded that she didn't care what we ate but that she didn't eat olives.  Somehow in my mind I thought "oh, OK no pizza so I can just make sandwiches, I know we have ample sandwich stuff in our refrigerator".  And then I forgot about food for the moment.  At about noon I took some bread, cheese, the two remaining slices of ham (oops), Claussen pickle halves (delicious!!), peanut butter, Nutella, grapes, and an assortment of canned soup and placed it in an appetizing array on the counter.  It was a magazine perfect setup believe me!

When Danielle arrived I asked what she would like for me to make from the wide array of choices. She chose a ham and cheese sandwich.  Great! I had 2 pieces of ham and American cheese so I figured that would work.  But then she said she liked mustard on her sandwich  - in my defense I don't eat a lot of mustard on sandwiches so maybe my eye for quantity is a little off.  I squeezed mustard onto the bread...but as I was doing so I wondered if maybe it was too much mustard. 

It looked OK and Danielle didn't say "hey stop it! that's way too much mustard!" so I just added the ham and cheese to the  globs of mustard.  I asked if she wanted a delicious pickle and of course she said yes but that she wanted pickles on her sandwich.  Hmm...we didn't have any sliced pickles so I pulled one of the Claussen dill pickle halves out of the jar and asked her if I should cut it up before putting it on the sandwich. She said "no" so I put the pickle half right in the middle of the sandwich.  The sandwich looked kind of like a whale in between two pieces of bread.  

I didn't think about it at the time because I was busy sharing my political manifesto with Danielle (she was fascinated) but maybe Danielle didn't want a sandwich that was mostly pickle and mustard?  That thought didn't occur to me until I told Stephanie about how I made lunch today and she started asking probing questions like, "what did you make?"  And that is when I realized how much shame I should feel over taking Danielle's time today and taking away her opportunity for a delicious lunch.  When I told Stephanie about the sandwich she got that look on her face that she gets when she realizes I have done something really stupid and that she can ridicule me about for a long time. This was like Christmas-come-early for Stephanie

Stephanie asked me if I had taken a photo of the awful sandwich I made and I said that I didn't because at the point that it dawned on me that the sandwich sucked (when I saw mustard oozing out of the sides of two pieces of bread covering a giant pickle) that I didn't want to draw Danielle's attention to it.  I mean maybe she would think the sandwich was really good if I didn't say anything? 

So, Stephanie decided she would draw the sandwich the way she imagined it to be and that is the picture you see at the top of this post.  That doesn't explain the bunnies in teacups that she also put in the photo...that part of the photo has me a bit stumped.  But Stephanie lives in her own world so maybe she saw a bunny earlier and got distracted when creating the little photo of Danielle. I also don't know why there is a palm tree in the photo but I have been friends with Stephanie for a long time so I know not to even ask about that. I am sure it makes sense in her crazy mind.

And may I say, "I am truly sorry for the crappy sandwich I made you today Danielle."  I feel such shame but at the same time some pride that "taking" has become such a part of my life that I could take lunch from you without even trying! I am truly becoming a gifted taker.  I will make it up to you by making you a sandwich that is mostly ham and less pickle next time you come to my house...if you ever do.  

But if you think my day of taking ended there you are wrong.

I met Stephanie for dinner tonight (which is when it came to my attention that I am a bad hostess and bad sandwich maker) at Firebowl Cafe which makes a delicious pad thai.  Earlier in the day I told Jonathan to text me if he wanted me to bring him some dinner from Firebowl.  But then, when Stephanie started grilling me like some kind of crazy sandwich Nazi I got flustered  and I totally forgot about food for my husband and didn't check my phone until I was a block from home....and, of course, Jonathan had sent me a text asking me to bring him some pad thai.  I thought about blaming Stephanie but I realized that Jonathan would see through a self serving lie (you know, because he lives with me and knows my tricks) so I told him the truth and offered him a Sonic cheeseburger.   No go.

Ever since I got home Jonathan has been saying things like, "you know what would be really good now? Pad thai." And then he got a headache which seems to be turning into a migraine and I think he blames it on the lack of pad thai. So not only did I deprive my husband of the delicious Asian Fusion treat he craved but the lack of noodles has resulted in his developing a massive headache.  So you could say that today had been like a level 5 hurricane of Taking.

I sure will sleep well tonight. 

The end.

The Year of Taking: Stephen O'Flynn Edition

The Year of Taking (tm) went global last week! That is right I was taking things all over Spain and it felt great.

In the first hotel at which we stayed in Barcelona I took two bath sponges (didn't know if they were supposed to be used to clean our bodies or if the hotel wanted us to clean out the tub) and some soaps. Sadly the housekeeping person seemed to notice that I was filching soaps and quit bringing them to us so I was forced to take them off the housekeeping cart when she wasn't looking.   You snooze you lose.

During most of my stay in Barcelona I was walking around and seeing the sights so there wasn't much to take.  Then I got hit by a stomach bug so I wasn't even able to take food and eat it!  Score 1: Spain.

Last weekend Jonathan and I traveled 3 hours south of Barcelona by train to visit our friend Stephen O'Flynn whom I have known for 17 years and who traveled all the way from Spain to Mexico to attend our wedding nearly 7 years ago. I adore Flynnie and, in fact, adopted him as my brother several years ago. It wasn't legally binding so I am not obligated to send Christmas or birthday gifts...its more of an honorary thing which requires that he buy me beer at every opportunity.  Visiting Flynnie in Valencia was a boon for the Year of Taking!! So much taking going on!

First when we arrived at Flynnie's apartment we gave him some presents from the US.  Honestly I am glad he took the gifts off our hands because they were freaking heavy and I may have suffered some kind of permanent back damage from hauling those things around the world.  (He asked for cajun spices so I brought lots).  In return I took several beers, some wine, and water from his refrigerator. He said I could take all I wanted. So I did. Score!

Here is Flynnie opening our gift and finding a really spicy cajun seasoning.  We included a few more but this one was a big hit.  To support the Year of Taking, Flynnie specifically asked me to make sure to "take" the spices from someone else. But that never really panned out so I knew I had to give him a gift that I had "taken" as well.

So what else could I give him but the sponges from our bathroom at our hotel in Barcelona?  Flynnie seemed disproportionally excited about the sponges but what do you expect? He is Irish...they get excited about everything.

Visiting Flynnie was a lot of fun but really exhausting.  For one thing his perspective on distance is somewhat skewed.  When Flynnie says that a restaurant is "a couple of blocks away" what he is really saying is that "it is on the other side of the country; bring a sleeping bag and pack a snack because it will take an hour to walk there". Oh and he LOVES to walk.  He walks everywhere no matter how far his destination is and without regard to the fact that some distances are better served by grabbing a taxi.  And he feels that his guests should participate in his leisurely strolls forced marches.  I am starting to think that life in Spain has driven him a little mad.

One night to go eat dinner we took the most arduous of the forced marches which I have renamed "The March of Tears (tm)".  The March of Tears was an emotional and difficult night for all of us because after walking all the way to Portugal for dinner at a restaurant that Flynnie described as "the best ever" we found that the restaurant we had been promised had stopped serving dinner at midnight which is when we arrived.  After being rejected at multiple other eateries I finally resorted to my tried and true method for getting a table at a restaurant: I curled into a fetal position on the floor and whailed as loudly as possible until they agreed to sedate me with vodka and bring us all some food.  I don't know what the waiter said to Flynnie in Spanish but I am pretty sure he is banned from ever coming to that restaurant again.  Serves him right.

Here are Flynnie and Jonathan rapidly downing some booze after the March of Tears (tm) and my temper tantrum on the floor.  I think they needed drinks at that point:

In our other adventures in Valencia we reluctantly joined Stephen O'Flynn for an event he described as 

"At 1pm we will head to the Plaza del Ayuntamiento early to get a good place to stand for the day's Mascletà. Fireworks use explosions to make shinies to look at. Mascletàs use gunpowder to make as much noise as possible without causing hearing damage. Conservatively, around 200 lbs of gunpowder will be exploded strategically in the centre of the city for the entertainment of citizens." - from Super Awesome Travels in Valencia travel agenda by S. O'Flynn

Needless to say his description of this local experiment in torture festival had me nervous about my future ability to hear normal sounds and voices.  I was especially worried about my career which revolves around my ability to listen to people tell me about their work histories.  

It turns out that Flynnie should never work in the travel business. Or event marketing business either.  What he described in our travel agenda is really part of an annual festival called Las Fallas.  Wikipedia describes it as follows:

The Falles (Valencian: [ˈfaʎes], sing. Falla; Spanish: Fallas) is a traditional celebration held in commemoration of Saint Joseph in Valencia, Spain. The term Falles refers to both the celebration and the monuments created during the celebration. A number of towns in the Valencian Community have similar celebrations inspired by the original in Valencia. The five days and nights of Falles are a continuous party. There are a multitude of processions: historical processions, religious processions, and comedic processions. Crowds in the restaurants spill out into the streets. Explosions can be heard all day long and sporadically through the night. The Mascletà, an explosive barrage of coordinated firecracker and fireworks displays, takes place in each neighbourhood at 2:00 pm every day of the festival; the main event is the municipal Mascletà in the Plaça de l'Ajuntament where the pyrotechnicians compete for the honor of providing the final Mascletà of the fiestas (on March 19). At 2:00 pm the clock chimes and the Fallera Mayor (dressed in her fallera finery) will call from the balcony of the City Hall, Senyor pirotècnic, pot començar la mascletà! ("Mr. Pyrotechnic, you may commence the Mascletà!"), and the Mascletà begins.

Mascletà is almost unique to the Valencian Community, hugely popular with the Valencian people and found in very few other places in the world. Smaller neighbourhoods often hold their own mascletà for saint's days, weddings and other celebrations.

The Mascletà was a really fun and lively event and yes there were explosions but they weren't that loud...I mean there were children there so how bad could it be? This is the "after" photo after they did all the pyrotechnics...lots of smoke.

During our visit to Valencia we had several lively brainstorming sessions (complete with powerpoint presentations and graphs) about what I could take from Spain for The Year of Taking?  One great idea was to take the Holy Grail which supposedly resides in a church near Flynnie's apartment.  You can go into the church and actually see the Grail but we were there after one of our late night forced marches so the church was closed and I didn't bring my lock picks or rappelling gear with me so I was unprepared to break in and take a major religious artifact.  Also in the back of my mind I realized that I was unclear on the penalties for a B&E in Spain...probably pretty strict now that I think about it.

That left me in a bit of a quandary.  I mean to have the opportunity to take the actual Holy Grail and not be able to attempt it (because I am sure it wasn't well guarded or anything) was disappointing to say the least.  But then I realized that Flynnie had something almost as valuable in his possession: A Fat Boy Beanbag Chair.  If you have ever been sucked (literally) into one of these evilly comfortable things you know that it is one of the most comfortable and peaceful places to rest.

Picture doesn't really do it justice...

Here is an action shot of me enjoying the bean bag:

At last I found the thing I wanted most to take with me...the bean bag.  But I knew that Flynnie wasn't going to give it up easily as it is his most prized piece of furniture.  So I thought I could be sneaky by putting it in my bag...

Wait I know I can get it to fit...

OK it clearly won't fit in my backpack.  Need plan B.  Will drag it out the front door and go buy a suitcase to take it back to the US. Excellent plan.

What could possibly go wrong with this plan? Why is the beanbag suddenly so heavy? I thought Flynnie was in his bedroom and couldn't see what I was doing....

Oh my goodness...has he no shame??? Why are you making this so hard for me Stephen?? C'mon.

This was the most pathetic sight I had ever seen.  I mean it was one thing when Dick Douglas wrested control of the stag's head that I tried to steal from his house but as you can see here Flynnie is crying and begging me not to take the beanbag. He calls it his "safe place" and he said that if I took it that he would have to go back on his medication again. Eventually the whole situation got so emotional and uncomfortable that I dropped the beanbag and left Stephen curled up on top of it with a bottle of gin while I went out to get some air and clear my head.  Hands down that was the most awkward Year of Taking (tm) moment so far this year. I had no idea that Flynnie was so disturbed and that he had such an attachment to the bean bag chair.  Honestly, I didn't need to know that his emotional problems had devolved this far but I am hoping that he can get the help he needs through Spain's socialized medical program.

Flynnie - thanks for playing along with the Year of Taking! You were the host with the most and we will come back and visit you/take from you any time we can! That is, if I am not banned from your apartment and Spain in general by now.

Stephanie, Cash, and Parenting Tips

I should alert my 5 subscribers that this post isn't really about "taking" its more of a background piece on Stephanie's and my friendship which is relevant because I mention her frequently in my blog and on my Facebook page.  Sometimes people who don't know me or Stephanie well wonder if my teasing is, perhaps, a little harsh.  This post should clear the air on that topic...

As many of you know I have a best friend. Her name is Stephanie and this blog was 1/2 her idea. We concocted the idea together at the Firebowl Cafe here in Austin.  Many of you have also noticed that I give Stephanie a lot of grief on her blog and on Facebook and this post is all about why I do that, why we are friends, and why Stephanie needs so much of my "advice" and "counsel".  

Steph and I met in 2005 when we were both working at the same company.  We started a weekly ritual of having dinner together every Wednesday night. Sometimes we went out and sometimes we hung out at my place and cooked dinner (read: I cooked Kraft Macaroni & Cheese for Stephanie) and just watched Law & Order.  But whatever we were doing that one night per week was the time we unwound, complained about the things people complain about, and laughed a lot.  In other words, we had a perfect girlfriends night once a week.

In 2006 Stephanie got married and my living room and our Wednesday nights became ground zero for the creation of wedding programs, menus, save the date cards etc.  Over time, as some friends do, we started to notice that we each had a few quirks and, as friends do, we started to make fun of each other for those quirks.  Sometimes humor really keeps you grounded and honest about who you are.

When Stephanie got pregnant in 2010 she told me by bringing me a bouquet of flowers with a card that said, "You are going to be Aunt Liz"!  It was so sweet.  I was very nervous about how her pregnancy would change our friendship as I am not a big "child lover" and I have to admit, I didn't really want to share Stephanie and our Wednesday nights with a baby.  

I think Steph knew about my apprehension and so as usual we approached the situation with humor.  We started joking around about her unborn baby whom she called "Lumpy".  We joked about how all the Splenda she consumed would cause the child to be born a cyclops.  We joked about how Matt & Steph would love little Lumpy even if (or in Matt's case "especially if") he were born with features that made him fit to join the circus and tour as a "freak". In other words we both had a good laugh about Steph's pregnancy and, over time, I got a lot more comfortable with sharing my best friend with a Lumpy little baby. In fact, I started to get excited about becoming Aunt Liz.  

Since I am a control freak the mere thought of being Aunt Liz sent me into a planning frenzy.  Lumpy would need to start learning a language in the womb. He should start physics at age 2. And of course he would go to Stanford or maybe Harvard.  Aunt Liz started to have big plans for Lumpy which amused Stephanie but I also think she kind of liked the fact that I was now excited about (instead of being apprehensive about) her baby.  Stephanie teased me about my plans for Lumpy just as I started to tease her about undoing all my planning for the baby's future. And so the foundation for our jokes about her parenting skills was laid.

Then Lumpy - renamed Cash at birth - was born.  Aunt Liz and Uncle Jonathan fell in love with little Cash who was such a sweet baby.  But one thing we started to notice is that when shown a baby (or even a phot of one) every single person in the world seems compelled to say "ooh how cute" and "ooh he is so beautiful" and its so predictable and boring.  I started rolling my eyes every time Steph posted a photo of Cash on her blog or Facebook page and saw that 40 people wrote, "Oh he is so cute".  Really? That is the best comment you can come up with? Nothing funny? Nothing interesting?  

Since I can't stand being predictable or boring I started leaving comments on Stephanie's blog that were just the opposite of what any normal person would say about Cash, his antics, and his photos because it made Stephanie laugh.  And then we found out that some of Steph's friends and family were in on our joke and they started reading my comments and it made them laugh too.  So Stephanie started writing things and posting photos on her blog that she knew would bait me into writing my "rants"...and it became a fun inside joke among our closest friends and family.  And that is what it remains today.  So for anyone who reads our Facebook banter or the banter on this blog or Running With Lumpy now you know why we tease each other so mercilessly...because it makes us laugh.  And we hope you laugh along too!

If you read this far I should tell you that I just "took" your valuable time reading my blog.  Thankfully I was able to "take" something of value (your time) from you today.  

PS: Stephanie - don't think for a minute that just because I wrote a few nice things about you that I am going to stop making fun of you.  Oh, and I stole 50 of your invisible magic beans from your backyard today.  I know that is going to drive you freaking crazy and you will probably search your whole yard for them tomorrow and you won't find them.

Taking from Non-Dangerous Friends

After a slow week of taking last week I am pleased to announce that I am off to a pretty good start this week.  My friend Danielle and I had lunch at a place called The Noble Pig which is pretty darn good. In fact its so good that you can see everyone looking at what all other customers are eating and thinking about taking their food.  When you eat there you learn quickly to keep your fork pointed upward so that if some stranger comes to try to nab your sandwich you can fight back. I can't really talk about the specifics of some of my previous visits because the Austin Police are still investigating and let's just say I had to leave through the back door when the cops showed up.  Enough about that.

Danielle fully understood the potential ramifications of having lunch with me because she is one of the 5 people (I like to think of you all as my fan club) who subscribe to this blog.  So, right off the bat, Danielle said she would pay for lunch so that I could "take" her money.  Score! What a good sport she is!

Here is Danielle:

In addition to our sandwiches Danielle ordered some potato salad for us to share (so I could take some) which was quite delicious.  During lunch I took Danielle's time by regaling her with my parenting philosophies (she has a 2 year old daughter named Addison), my list of grievances with Stephanie, my thoughts on the latest issue of the UFO Sighter's Guide, and the fact that Whitney Houston's death was a  government conspiracy terrible tragedy.  Danielle, like most people, was fascinated with my views and she even called me Empress twice (to be fair, I had to remind her to address me as Empress) so I know she had a great time.  There is no way that she could have felt that I was "taking" her valuable time and dominating the conversation because if she felt that way it would mean that maybe my conversation isn't as scintillating as I had previously assumed.  Impossible!

After we finished our delicious lunch, Danielle, always a good sport about The Year of Taking, bought us each a desert tart:

The deserts that Danielle got sounded really disgusting when she told me what they were.  Each of these is a tart with chocolate ganache topped with bacon.  I thought maybe she decided to torture me by seeing if she could trick me into eating something nasty...but my natural paranoia was misplaced. Sweet Danielle treated us to an interesting and surprisingly terrific treat. She explained that the salt in the bacon brings out he sugar or the chocolate or something.....blah, blah, blah. I think I dozed off during the explanation but  it was really good.

After lunch Danielle begged and pleaded with me to come to her office and spend the rest of the day telling her all about my interesting and correct perspective on life, the Universe, and Everything (Douglas Adams reference for you nerds). But I told her she had taken quite enough of my time today thank you and what did she think about me anyway? That I have nothing to do besides help make her smarter by lecturing her all day? The nerve of some people.  Danielle just couldn't take no for an answer and when she grabbed my arm and started begging me to come to her office I had to distract her by pretending the restaurant was on fire while I ran out the back of the restaurant and hid behind the dumpster until Danielle stopped crying enough to get in her car and go back to work. It was such an embarrassing spectacle.  Mostly for me though because while I was hiding behind the dumpster the restaurant staff missed when dumping out a big pail full of pig parts so now I have to get my car cleaned professionally and I have no idea when my hair will stop smelling like pork. Pretty gross but my dogs really want to snuggle with me now....

After escaping back to the safety of my home and hosing off in the backyard I opened the mail.  I was surprised and disappointed to find that the University of Chicago ripped me off! They took from me!! If you are a regular reader of this blog (which is doubtful if you have any self respect at all) then you know that a couple of weeks ago I responded to an email from U of Chicago which offered me a free set of ugly playing cards in return for a $25 donation to the college.  I received no playing cards and, instead, just got this crappy letter:

What a freaking gyp.  They lied to me! I can't believe it. I was lied to and had my money taken under false pretenses.  Thanks a lot University of Chicago. Enjoy spending my $25 and playing with the deck of cards you didn't send me. 

Slow Week of Taking

I have been very fortunate this year. My business has been booming and I have worked nearly non stop...even through Superbowl weekend.  I am working 6-7 days a week right now so it makes it really hard to do any serious taking. Or much giving for that matter.

This particular week was kind of crummy so I decided that I would find a charity of some kind that I found amusing and donate to it.  Here are a few of the ones that made the Final 4 list for me this week:

Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster (Pastafarianism): By design, the only dogma allowed in the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster is the rejection of dogma. That is, there are no strict rules and regulations, there are no rote rituals and prayers and other nonsense. Every member has a say in what this church is and what it becomes.  To outsiders it makes us hard to define, but here are some general things that can be said about our beliefs:

• We believe pirates, the original Pastafarians, were peaceful explorers and it was due to Christian misinformation that they have an image of outcast criminals today.
• We are fond of beer
• Every Friday is a Religious Holiday
• We do not take ourselves too seriously
• We embrace contradictions (though in that we are hardly unique)

The James Randi Educational Foundation. "The James Randi Educational Foundation was founded in 1996 to help people defend themselves from paranormal and pseudoscientific claims. The JREF offers a still-unclaimed million-dollar reward for anyone who can produce evidence of paranormal abilities under controlled conditions."

The South Yorkshire Gerbil Rescue Organization.  "We are a home based non-profit rescue/rehome organisation that exists solely to help out gerbils that are in situations where their owners are unable to care for them any longer. We will happily take in gerbils from anywhere in the South Yorkshire area. We will give them a comfortable place to stay until we can find them a suitable place to live."  (Given that gerbils have a lifespan of about a year this seems like a bit of a waste of time but who am I to judge gerbil-lovers.)

The Lemming Rescue and Rehabilitation Society.  Dedicated to saving sweet fluffy innocent lemmings the world over from great biological tragedy.  From their Facebook page (which only had 18 "likes" until I decided to "like" it too:

The Lemming Rescue and Rehabilitation Society sponsors an annual suicide intervention program using state-of-the-art rescue equipment. The LRRS also believes that suicidal tendencies in rodents can be treated with pschological counseling. The Society also firmly believes that population explosions can be prevented with reproductive counseling. Finally, we have an extensive program of cliff demolition. Cliffs CAN be made safer!

I chose the James Randi foundation to receive my gigantic donation of $10 but each of these others will receive a donation from me sometime this year. I am pretty sure the Lemming Rescue is a joke but I am willing to give them a few bucks just because it's so damn funny and I wish I would have thought of it.

Wish me a better week of taking this upcoming week. I am having lunch with my friend Danielle, taking the dogs to the groomer, having dinner with Stephanie, and lunch with a business colleague so there should be some pretty good "taking" opportunities this week. Oh yeah, and I am "taking" my husband's evening tonight because, guess what? He is making fried chicken and macaroni and cheese for me again tonight! Score!

PS: If you want to read about a more serious charitable contribution check out what Stephanie did for Filanthropy Friday this week over on her blog.

Worst. Week. Of Taking. Ever.

Well its been a bad week for taking.  I did more giving than taking this week and that goes against the whole Year of Taking(tm) concept.  I feel like I am going to confession or something as I admit all the giving I did this week:

I gave $50 to Planned Parenthood. I was spurred to action because of the big scandal/controversy over the Susan G. Komen Foundation (I don't like the Komen Foundation anyway because they spend $1 million per year suing little 5Ks around the country who have the nerve to say their race to benefit breast cancer research is, "for the cure"...like Komen owns those 3 little words or something. Punks.) pulling a big grant that they had been giving to PP.  Whatever you think about PP they offer low cost health care to women who need it and that is a great thing.

I gave $25 to the University of Chicago. I don't feel so bad about this one because they lured me in by offering me a set of U of C playing cards if I gave them $25. So really I am taking some playing cards which I am sure will be really ugly because while U of C is a great school their general design scheme on things like T-shirts and coffee cups is pretty bad.  I think the cards have gargoyles on them which has "regift" written all over it for me...I wonder who the lucky recipient of this little regift will be? Could be Stephanie, Melia, Amy, Alisha, Susan, Julie, Cindy, or Aruni...hard to say which of my lucky friends will get this awesome gift from me for Christmas.

I became an ASPCA Guardian and pledged to give $20 per month indefinitely to the ASPCA.  And I don't even get anything back. Actually I think they gave me a discount at the ASPCA store but I didn't get to "take" anything meaningful at all.

As you can see, in terms of pure "taking" this was a crappy week. Sigh.

So, last night I had to do a little taking. When Jonathan's and my friend Matt Naylor came over to our house to continue his day-long birthday celebration with Jonathan I knew I had to find a way to take something. So I took Matt's patience and happiness by refusing to turn the TV Channel away from the movie, "GI Joe: Rise of the Cobra" which Matt calls, "the worst movie ever. It's just plain bad. There is nothing good about it. It sucks the light out of the world" - G.M. Naylor.  

I felt really good about making him watch GI Joe because I knew what it was taking out of him to be in the same room as a movie he hates so much. Eventually he curled up into a little ball on the floor and cried.  I thought he was really that upset but it turns out it was just a trick to get me to put the remote control down so he could get it and change the channel.  The joke was on me because he and Jonathan wouldn't give me back the remote and I had to watch that "reality" show Gold Rush which features a bunch of really dirty guys who try unsuccessfully every day of their lives to find gold.  They should call that show "An Exercise in Futility, Redneck Style".

Today I am going to find something to take even if it kills me.  It's Superbowl Sunday so that presents some interesting opportunities. For one thing there is a Law & Order marathon on TNT all day so I could just take the TV and refuse to let my husband watch the Superbowl. But that is kind of stupid because we have like 5 TVs in our house.  I will have to think of something because this week I am very dispirited by my lack of taking.