My friend Stephanie has been suffering from what she calls "tingly feet" for the past couple of months. Her feet constantly feel like they are asleep and its caused her to quit running for the time being which she hates because running is her exercise and her outlet for her Splenda-fueled energy. She has been though all kinds of un-fun medical tests and they can't find anything wrong with her but the tingling continues to make her pretty miserable. Last week she put aside her fear of needles and tried acupuncture which means she is getting desperate for a "cure". She wrote about the acupuncture experience on her blog and, being the super sensitive friend that I am I told her about other cures that she may not have heard of. I think my sensitive and gentle remedies qualify for The Year of Taking.
As a public service for any of my 3 readers/really bored friends who occasionally read this blog I have copied my suggestions to Stephanie in case you have tingly feet. (my attorney suggests that instead of referring to "tried and true" remedies I say "alleged remedies" so if you are litigious please make that substitution on your own when you read this....I am way too busy to make the actual content changes)
My suggestions/comments to Stephanie......
Steph,
Did the acupuncture work?
How many times do you have to do it before it works?
If it doesn't work I have a
few tried and true methods that you can try. You have insisted on using "traditional
medicine" and "real doctors" thus far so I didn't want to bring
up the fact that The Society of Tingly Disorders (TSTD) has done numerous
studies and experiments to find the most effective remedies for tingling
extremities. A few of the tried and true
remedies include:
1. Boiling black beans, lima beans, and rare guano beans,
draining them, and then drinking the water in which they boiled. Repeat 10
times and you will be cured. Possibly.
2. Contact Dr. Gregory House for a brain drilling
procedure. A lot of people think that
stuff that happens on TV isn't real or doesn't really work but brain drilling
is an effective method for eliminating tingling. Side effects include: coma, catatonic state,
removal of personality, and the inability to form sentences. Totally worth it though if your feet quit
tingling.
3. Stand on your head and recite the alphabet backward while
a friend squirts you with a garden hose turned on to "full blast".
Its very important that this remedy be performed in your front yard on a
Saturday afternoon between 1 and 3pm in the summertime. It is also very important that someone you
trust (like me for example) videotape the procedure to submit to the archives
at The Society of Tingly Disorders. For
research purposes of course.
4. Go into the woods and find some bear poo. Roll around in
it. Do not bathe for 3 days. You will be cured.
Or ostracized from society...results of this experimental remedy have
been pretty mixed to be honest. I
wouldn't start with this one...try one of the others first....especially if the
bear is still hanging around when you roll in the poo.
5. Go to McDonalds and buy a large coffee. Ask for the
coffee to be extra hot. You don't need to add Splenda by the way. Put the styrofoam cup in between your legs
while you drive as fast as you can down 183 during rush hour. Slam on the brakes when you hit the inevitable
traffic jam. Coffee will splash all over
your upper body and legs which will give you 3rd degree burns for which you
will be hospitalized. The burns will
suck but you won't even notice tingly feet while focusing on your long and
painful recovery. By the time the
doctors are finished with all of the skin grafts the tingling will be gone for
good.
6. Fly to Pamplona, Spain.
Join the "Running With the Bulls" annual race/suicide
mission. If you manage to avoid being
gored by any of the bulls you will realize that when your life is on the line
you can run "hella fast" and you will ignore the tingling for the
rest of your life. Even if you don't
avoid the bulls your problem will be solved (although this option isn't really
optimal if you like "life" and "living" and
"breathing) - you should probably go ahead and get your will together
before you fly to Spain for this event.
Of course I expect to be your primary beneficiary (mostly I want your
chest of magic beans that I know you hid in the greenbelt by your house).
7. Drive down to the US/Mexico boarder and ask a few of the
"nice people" wandering around if they have any meth to sell. Then show them your fake Police badge and see
where things go from there. I think the
chances are pretty good that tingly feet will be the least of your problems if
you choose this option.
8. Fly to Austria and check yourself into "The
Institute of Tingly Disorders". Stay for 6 weeks. I can't tell you about all of the procedures
they will perform because many are proprietary but lets just say you will walk
away cured. They have a 100% success
rate but many of their former patients are later diagnosed with PTSD, ADD, OCD,
and VD but that is probably just a coincidence.
What? Those lawsuits were bogus!!!!
9. Go to Liz's house.
Scrub her floors on your hands and knees. Then do the dishes. Sweep the floor and make sure to get all that
dog and cat hair cleaned up you slacker.
Change the sheets, vacuum, feed the dogs, and pour Liz a drink. You will be cured. Shit, you will probably see right through
this one, I mean its not a "tried and true" or "FDA
approved" cure but I am sure it will work. Sure will make me feel
better...of that I am sure.
10. The 10th option is so highly secret that i can't write
about it on the internet. We need to set
up a super secret meeting to discuss it.
Bring $100,000 in small unmarked bills in 2 large duffel bags. Why? Don't ask me why, just do it! Do you
want to be cured or do you want to "save for retirement" and
"remain financially solvent".
Get your priorities straight.
Sincerely,
Dr. Liz (You can just call me Empress if you want)
If you want to read more about the trials and tribulations of Steph's tingly feet you can read about it on her blog: http://runningwithlumpy.blogspot.com/
