My friend Stephanie has been suffering from what she calls "tingly feet" for the past couple of months. Her feet constantly feel like they are asleep and its caused her to quit running for the time being which she hates because running is her exercise and her outlet for her Splenda-fueled energy. She has been though all kinds of un-fun medical tests and they can't find anything wrong with her but the tingling continues to make her pretty miserable. Last week she put aside her fear of needles and tried acupuncture which means she is getting desperate for a "cure". She wrote about the acupuncture experience on her blog and, being the super sensitive friend that I am I told her about other cures that she may not have heard of. I think my sensitive and gentle remedies qualify for The Year of Taking.
As a public service for any of my 3 readers/really bored friends who occasionally read this blog I have copied my suggestions to Stephanie in case you have tingly feet. (my attorney suggests that instead of referring to "tried and true" remedies I say "alleged remedies" so if you are litigious please make that substitution on your own when you read this....I am way too busy to make the actual content changes)
My suggestions/comments to Stephanie......
Steph,
Did the acupuncture work?
How many times do you have to do it before it works?
If it doesn't work I have a
few tried and true methods that you can try. You have insisted on using "traditional
medicine" and "real doctors" thus far so I didn't want to bring
up the fact that The Society of Tingly Disorders (TSTD) has done numerous
studies and experiments to find the most effective remedies for tingling
extremities. A few of the tried and true
remedies include:
1. Boiling black beans, lima beans, and rare guano beans,
draining them, and then drinking the water in which they boiled. Repeat 10
times and you will be cured. Possibly.
2. Contact Dr. Gregory House for a brain drilling
procedure. A lot of people think that
stuff that happens on TV isn't real or doesn't really work but brain drilling
is an effective method for eliminating tingling. Side effects include: coma, catatonic state,
removal of personality, and the inability to form sentences. Totally worth it though if your feet quit
tingling.
3. Stand on your head and recite the alphabet backward while
a friend squirts you with a garden hose turned on to "full blast".
Its very important that this remedy be performed in your front yard on a
Saturday afternoon between 1 and 3pm in the summertime. It is also very important that someone you
trust (like me for example) videotape the procedure to submit to the archives
at The Society of Tingly Disorders. For
research purposes of course.
4. Go into the woods and find some bear poo. Roll around in
it. Do not bathe for 3 days. You will be cured.
Or ostracized from society...results of this experimental remedy have
been pretty mixed to be honest. I
wouldn't start with this one...try one of the others first....especially if the
bear is still hanging around when you roll in the poo.
5. Go to McDonalds and buy a large coffee. Ask for the
coffee to be extra hot. You don't need to add Splenda by the way. Put the styrofoam cup in between your legs
while you drive as fast as you can down 183 during rush hour. Slam on the brakes when you hit the inevitable
traffic jam. Coffee will splash all over
your upper body and legs which will give you 3rd degree burns for which you
will be hospitalized. The burns will
suck but you won't even notice tingly feet while focusing on your long and
painful recovery. By the time the
doctors are finished with all of the skin grafts the tingling will be gone for
good.
6. Fly to Pamplona, Spain.
Join the "Running With the Bulls" annual race/suicide
mission. If you manage to avoid being
gored by any of the bulls you will realize that when your life is on the line
you can run "hella fast" and you will ignore the tingling for the
rest of your life. Even if you don't
avoid the bulls your problem will be solved (although this option isn't really
optimal if you like "life" and "living" and
"breathing) - you should probably go ahead and get your will together
before you fly to Spain for this event.
Of course I expect to be your primary beneficiary (mostly I want your
chest of magic beans that I know you hid in the greenbelt by your house).
7. Drive down to the US/Mexico boarder and ask a few of the
"nice people" wandering around if they have any meth to sell. Then show them your fake Police badge and see
where things go from there. I think the
chances are pretty good that tingly feet will be the least of your problems if
you choose this option.
8. Fly to Austria and check yourself into "The
Institute of Tingly Disorders". Stay for 6 weeks. I can't tell you about all of the procedures
they will perform because many are proprietary but lets just say you will walk
away cured. They have a 100% success
rate but many of their former patients are later diagnosed with PTSD, ADD, OCD,
and VD but that is probably just a coincidence.
What? Those lawsuits were bogus!!!!
9. Go to Liz's house.
Scrub her floors on your hands and knees. Then do the dishes. Sweep the floor and make sure to get all that
dog and cat hair cleaned up you slacker.
Change the sheets, vacuum, feed the dogs, and pour Liz a drink. You will be cured. Shit, you will probably see right through
this one, I mean its not a "tried and true" or "FDA
approved" cure but I am sure it will work. Sure will make me feel
better...of that I am sure.
10. The 10th option is so highly secret that i can't write
about it on the internet. We need to set
up a super secret meeting to discuss it.
Bring $100,000 in small unmarked bills in 2 large duffel bags. Why? Don't ask me why, just do it! Do you
want to be cured or do you want to "save for retirement" and
"remain financially solvent".
Get your priorities straight.
Sincerely,
Dr. Liz (You can just call me Empress if you want)
If you want to read more about the trials and tribulations of Steph's tingly feet you can read about it on her blog: http://runningwithlumpy.blogspot.com/
I was incredibly surprised to see that you were familiar with TSTD. I mistakenly assumed that you (a) were unfamiliar with the organization and (b) hated my wife. Turns out you just hate my wife.
ReplyDeleteI know you’re a fan of television so I wanted to direct you to a couple of shows that start in July and whose principle conceits are built around the disorder of Podiatric Parasthesia (commonly known as Tinglefoot or Sleepypod).
Both are airing on the UPN. Most people think the network went under 5 years ago but it’s a little known fact that like Elvis and Pauly Shore, the network faked its demise only to reemerge in the nether regions of cable television sometime in late 2009. If you’re a Time Warner subscriber, you can find it at 1507.8 sandwiched between the U (Television for U, not you personally but the letter) and the CCN (Cream Corn Network – We’ve got Corn…and it’s creamed!). The decimal point can’t be accessed from the box but is an option on the remote that can be selected through an elaborate sequence of button pressing based on exact timing and a somewhat unrealistic knowledge of the remote itself. The information can’t be found in the manual but you can find it online at http://timewarnercable.com/things-you-dont-need-to-know.pdf. You will be asked to provide a username and password which can be found by answering the following questions:
Username: Last summer I… (Answer: Enrique)
Password: If I were a pigeon, I would…(Answer: Be A Great Pigeon)
UPN programming can’t be recorded and any attempt to do so will permanently lock up your DVR so do not try.
Here’s a description of the shows from the UPN’s website along with premiere dates:
Penns and Needles: (Series Premiere) – July 3rd: Doctors Xavier (Family Matter’s Jaleel White) and Penelope (The Cosby Show’s Keshia Knight Pulliam) Penn are licensed acupuncturists contending with a large scale outbreak of Podiatric Parasthesia in the modest little burg of Sleep Foot, MD. With the help of a mysterious Austrian podiatrist (Airwolf’s Jan-Michael Vincent), the doctors race against the clock to determine the origins of the outbreak before it takes over the state of Maryland and eventually…Delaware.
Foot Weekly called this one “Lost for foot fetishists”. It’s from the creative team behind Cop Rock and Kim Kardashian so I’m pretty damn excited about this one.
I tried the first season of the other show but it didn’t really hook me but maybe you’ll get something out of it:
Two Left Hearts (Season 2 Premiere) – July 4th – The doctors of St. Servatius are back between the sheets and under the feet(s) for another season of sexual tension at America’s favorite podiatry clinic. When we last saw Dr. Stephanie le Stefani her tingly feet had spread to her heart and she was preparing to go under the knife to repair the damage that came from a bad breakup with her lover and all around bad boy, Dr. Jesus de la Jesus. Did she make it through or will Jesus be forced to seek solace in the arms of his gay lover and workout partner, Dr. Steven McStevens? Presented commercial free with the support of Dr. Scholl’s.
Little known fact, St. Servatius is the patron saint of foot problems. This is serious. Look it up. I am not kidding. I’ve always been known for my extensive research. Another fact, House is real and Hugh Laurie isn’t. Also, the best nachos use a 30-70 mix of cottage cheese and Velveeta. All of these things can be found online at http://www.mattnaylorisatelleroftruths.spottedblog.com.
Hope you enjoy and please tell my wife that I need her back on her feet and in the kitchen immediately as that is where a woman belongs and it’s not natural for her to be in the workplace like a man.