Stephanie, Cash, and Parenting Tips

I should alert my 5 subscribers that this post isn't really about "taking" its more of a background piece on Stephanie's and my friendship which is relevant because I mention her frequently in my blog and on my Facebook page.  Sometimes people who don't know me or Stephanie well wonder if my teasing is, perhaps, a little harsh.  This post should clear the air on that topic...

As many of you know I have a best friend. Her name is Stephanie and this blog was 1/2 her idea. We concocted the idea together at the Firebowl Cafe here in Austin.  Many of you have also noticed that I give Stephanie a lot of grief on her blog and on Facebook and this post is all about why I do that, why we are friends, and why Stephanie needs so much of my "advice" and "counsel".  

Steph and I met in 2005 when we were both working at the same company.  We started a weekly ritual of having dinner together every Wednesday night. Sometimes we went out and sometimes we hung out at my place and cooked dinner (read: I cooked Kraft Macaroni & Cheese for Stephanie) and just watched Law & Order.  But whatever we were doing that one night per week was the time we unwound, complained about the things people complain about, and laughed a lot.  In other words, we had a perfect girlfriends night once a week.

In 2006 Stephanie got married and my living room and our Wednesday nights became ground zero for the creation of wedding programs, menus, save the date cards etc.  Over time, as some friends do, we started to notice that we each had a few quirks and, as friends do, we started to make fun of each other for those quirks.  Sometimes humor really keeps you grounded and honest about who you are.

When Stephanie got pregnant in 2010 she told me by bringing me a bouquet of flowers with a card that said, "You are going to be Aunt Liz"!  It was so sweet.  I was very nervous about how her pregnancy would change our friendship as I am not a big "child lover" and I have to admit, I didn't really want to share Stephanie and our Wednesday nights with a baby.  

I think Steph knew about my apprehension and so as usual we approached the situation with humor.  We started joking around about her unborn baby whom she called "Lumpy".  We joked about how all the Splenda she consumed would cause the child to be born a cyclops.  We joked about how Matt & Steph would love little Lumpy even if (or in Matt's case "especially if") he were born with features that made him fit to join the circus and tour as a "freak". In other words we both had a good laugh about Steph's pregnancy and, over time, I got a lot more comfortable with sharing my best friend with a Lumpy little baby. In fact, I started to get excited about becoming Aunt Liz.  

Since I am a control freak the mere thought of being Aunt Liz sent me into a planning frenzy.  Lumpy would need to start learning a language in the womb. He should start physics at age 2. And of course he would go to Stanford or maybe Harvard.  Aunt Liz started to have big plans for Lumpy which amused Stephanie but I also think she kind of liked the fact that I was now excited about (instead of being apprehensive about) her baby.  Stephanie teased me about my plans for Lumpy just as I started to tease her about undoing all my planning for the baby's future. And so the foundation for our jokes about her parenting skills was laid.

Then Lumpy - renamed Cash at birth - was born.  Aunt Liz and Uncle Jonathan fell in love with little Cash who was such a sweet baby.  But one thing we started to notice is that when shown a baby (or even a phot of one) every single person in the world seems compelled to say "ooh how cute" and "ooh he is so beautiful" and its so predictable and boring.  I started rolling my eyes every time Steph posted a photo of Cash on her blog or Facebook page and saw that 40 people wrote, "Oh he is so cute".  Really? That is the best comment you can come up with? Nothing funny? Nothing interesting?  

Since I can't stand being predictable or boring I started leaving comments on Stephanie's blog that were just the opposite of what any normal person would say about Cash, his antics, and his photos because it made Stephanie laugh.  And then we found out that some of Steph's friends and family were in on our joke and they started reading my comments and it made them laugh too.  So Stephanie started writing things and posting photos on her blog that she knew would bait me into writing my "rants"...and it became a fun inside joke among our closest friends and family.  And that is what it remains today.  So for anyone who reads our Facebook banter or the banter on this blog or Running With Lumpy now you know why we tease each other so mercilessly...because it makes us laugh.  And we hope you laugh along too!

If you read this far I should tell you that I just "took" your valuable time reading my blog.  Thankfully I was able to "take" something of value (your time) from you today.  

PS: Stephanie - don't think for a minute that just because I wrote a few nice things about you that I am going to stop making fun of you.  Oh, and I stole 50 of your invisible magic beans from your backyard today.  I know that is going to drive you freaking crazy and you will probably search your whole yard for them tomorrow and you won't find them.

Taking from Non-Dangerous Friends

After a slow week of taking last week I am pleased to announce that I am off to a pretty good start this week.  My friend Danielle and I had lunch at a place called The Noble Pig which is pretty darn good. In fact its so good that you can see everyone looking at what all other customers are eating and thinking about taking their food.  When you eat there you learn quickly to keep your fork pointed upward so that if some stranger comes to try to nab your sandwich you can fight back. I can't really talk about the specifics of some of my previous visits because the Austin Police are still investigating and let's just say I had to leave through the back door when the cops showed up.  Enough about that.

Danielle fully understood the potential ramifications of having lunch with me because she is one of the 5 people (I like to think of you all as my fan club) who subscribe to this blog.  So, right off the bat, Danielle said she would pay for lunch so that I could "take" her money.  Score! What a good sport she is!

Here is Danielle:

In addition to our sandwiches Danielle ordered some potato salad for us to share (so I could take some) which was quite delicious.  During lunch I took Danielle's time by regaling her with my parenting philosophies (she has a 2 year old daughter named Addison), my list of grievances with Stephanie, my thoughts on the latest issue of the UFO Sighter's Guide, and the fact that Whitney Houston's death was a  government conspiracy terrible tragedy.  Danielle, like most people, was fascinated with my views and she even called me Empress twice (to be fair, I had to remind her to address me as Empress) so I know she had a great time.  There is no way that she could have felt that I was "taking" her valuable time and dominating the conversation because if she felt that way it would mean that maybe my conversation isn't as scintillating as I had previously assumed.  Impossible!

After we finished our delicious lunch, Danielle, always a good sport about The Year of Taking, bought us each a desert tart:

The deserts that Danielle got sounded really disgusting when she told me what they were.  Each of these is a tart with chocolate ganache topped with bacon.  I thought maybe she decided to torture me by seeing if she could trick me into eating something nasty...but my natural paranoia was misplaced. Sweet Danielle treated us to an interesting and surprisingly terrific treat. She explained that the salt in the bacon brings out he sugar or the chocolate or something.....blah, blah, blah. I think I dozed off during the explanation but  it was really good.

After lunch Danielle begged and pleaded with me to come to her office and spend the rest of the day telling her all about my interesting and correct perspective on life, the Universe, and Everything (Douglas Adams reference for you nerds). But I told her she had taken quite enough of my time today thank you and what did she think about me anyway? That I have nothing to do besides help make her smarter by lecturing her all day? The nerve of some people.  Danielle just couldn't take no for an answer and when she grabbed my arm and started begging me to come to her office I had to distract her by pretending the restaurant was on fire while I ran out the back of the restaurant and hid behind the dumpster until Danielle stopped crying enough to get in her car and go back to work. It was such an embarrassing spectacle.  Mostly for me though because while I was hiding behind the dumpster the restaurant staff missed when dumping out a big pail full of pig parts so now I have to get my car cleaned professionally and I have no idea when my hair will stop smelling like pork. Pretty gross but my dogs really want to snuggle with me now....

After escaping back to the safety of my home and hosing off in the backyard I opened the mail.  I was surprised and disappointed to find that the University of Chicago ripped me off! They took from me!! If you are a regular reader of this blog (which is doubtful if you have any self respect at all) then you know that a couple of weeks ago I responded to an email from U of Chicago which offered me a free set of ugly playing cards in return for a $25 donation to the college.  I received no playing cards and, instead, just got this crappy letter:

What a freaking gyp.  They lied to me! I can't believe it. I was lied to and had my money taken under false pretenses.  Thanks a lot University of Chicago. Enjoy spending my $25 and playing with the deck of cards you didn't send me. 

Slow Week of Taking

I have been very fortunate this year. My business has been booming and I have worked nearly non stop...even through Superbowl weekend.  I am working 6-7 days a week right now so it makes it really hard to do any serious taking. Or much giving for that matter.

This particular week was kind of crummy so I decided that I would find a charity of some kind that I found amusing and donate to it.  Here are a few of the ones that made the Final 4 list for me this week:

Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster (Pastafarianism): By design, the only dogma allowed in the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster is the rejection of dogma. That is, there are no strict rules and regulations, there are no rote rituals and prayers and other nonsense. Every member has a say in what this church is and what it becomes.  To outsiders it makes us hard to define, but here are some general things that can be said about our beliefs:

• We believe pirates, the original Pastafarians, were peaceful explorers and it was due to Christian misinformation that they have an image of outcast criminals today.
• We are fond of beer
• Every Friday is a Religious Holiday
• We do not take ourselves too seriously
• We embrace contradictions (though in that we are hardly unique)

The James Randi Educational Foundation. "The James Randi Educational Foundation was founded in 1996 to help people defend themselves from paranormal and pseudoscientific claims. The JREF offers a still-unclaimed million-dollar reward for anyone who can produce evidence of paranormal abilities under controlled conditions."

The South Yorkshire Gerbil Rescue Organization.  "We are a home based non-profit rescue/rehome organisation that exists solely to help out gerbils that are in situations where their owners are unable to care for them any longer. We will happily take in gerbils from anywhere in the South Yorkshire area. We will give them a comfortable place to stay until we can find them a suitable place to live."  (Given that gerbils have a lifespan of about a year this seems like a bit of a waste of time but who am I to judge gerbil-lovers.)

The Lemming Rescue and Rehabilitation Society.  Dedicated to saving sweet fluffy innocent lemmings the world over from great biological tragedy.  From their Facebook page (which only had 18 "likes" until I decided to "like" it too:

The Lemming Rescue and Rehabilitation Society sponsors an annual suicide intervention program using state-of-the-art rescue equipment. The LRRS also believes that suicidal tendencies in rodents can be treated with pschological counseling. The Society also firmly believes that population explosions can be prevented with reproductive counseling. Finally, we have an extensive program of cliff demolition. Cliffs CAN be made safer!

I chose the James Randi foundation to receive my gigantic donation of $10 but each of these others will receive a donation from me sometime this year. I am pretty sure the Lemming Rescue is a joke but I am willing to give them a few bucks just because it's so damn funny and I wish I would have thought of it.

Wish me a better week of taking this upcoming week. I am having lunch with my friend Danielle, taking the dogs to the groomer, having dinner with Stephanie, and lunch with a business colleague so there should be some pretty good "taking" opportunities this week. Oh yeah, and I am "taking" my husband's evening tonight because, guess what? He is making fried chicken and macaroni and cheese for me again tonight! Score!

PS: If you want to read about a more serious charitable contribution check out what Stephanie did for Filanthropy Friday this week over on her blog.

Worst. Week. Of Taking. Ever.

Well its been a bad week for taking.  I did more giving than taking this week and that goes against the whole Year of Taking(tm) concept.  I feel like I am going to confession or something as I admit all the giving I did this week:

I gave $50 to Planned Parenthood. I was spurred to action because of the big scandal/controversy over the Susan G. Komen Foundation (I don't like the Komen Foundation anyway because they spend $1 million per year suing little 5Ks around the country who have the nerve to say their race to benefit breast cancer research is, "for the cure"...like Komen owns those 3 little words or something. Punks.) pulling a big grant that they had been giving to PP.  Whatever you think about PP they offer low cost health care to women who need it and that is a great thing.

I gave $25 to the University of Chicago. I don't feel so bad about this one because they lured me in by offering me a set of U of C playing cards if I gave them $25. So really I am taking some playing cards which I am sure will be really ugly because while U of C is a great school their general design scheme on things like T-shirts and coffee cups is pretty bad.  I think the cards have gargoyles on them which has "regift" written all over it for me...I wonder who the lucky recipient of this little regift will be? Could be Stephanie, Melia, Amy, Alisha, Susan, Julie, Cindy, or Aruni...hard to say which of my lucky friends will get this awesome gift from me for Christmas.

I became an ASPCA Guardian and pledged to give $20 per month indefinitely to the ASPCA.  And I don't even get anything back. Actually I think they gave me a discount at the ASPCA store but I didn't get to "take" anything meaningful at all.

As you can see, in terms of pure "taking" this was a crappy week. Sigh.

So, last night I had to do a little taking. When Jonathan's and my friend Matt Naylor came over to our house to continue his day-long birthday celebration with Jonathan I knew I had to find a way to take something. So I took Matt's patience and happiness by refusing to turn the TV Channel away from the movie, "GI Joe: Rise of the Cobra" which Matt calls, "the worst movie ever. It's just plain bad. There is nothing good about it. It sucks the light out of the world" - G.M. Naylor.  

I felt really good about making him watch GI Joe because I knew what it was taking out of him to be in the same room as a movie he hates so much. Eventually he curled up into a little ball on the floor and cried.  I thought he was really that upset but it turns out it was just a trick to get me to put the remote control down so he could get it and change the channel.  The joke was on me because he and Jonathan wouldn't give me back the remote and I had to watch that "reality" show Gold Rush which features a bunch of really dirty guys who try unsuccessfully every day of their lives to find gold.  They should call that show "An Exercise in Futility, Redneck Style".

Today I am going to find something to take even if it kills me.  It's Superbowl Sunday so that presents some interesting opportunities. For one thing there is a Law & Order marathon on TNT all day so I could just take the TV and refuse to let my husband watch the Superbowl. But that is kind of stupid because we have like 5 TVs in our house.  I will have to think of something because this week I am very dispirited by my lack of taking.