Wednesday, March 14, 2012

Ruining Meals For Everyone in My Path. You Are Welcome World.


Wow. It's so hard to know where to start with today's Year of Taking Post.  Stephanie who is clearly mentally ill  very creative developed the "art work" you see in this post.  It's pretty disturbing so the least I can do is explain to my 5 readers who are probably all calling the police right about now.  Put the phone down and back away from the 9-1-1 call....the picture will make a strange sort of sense in a minute.

Today, my friend Danielle, the victim willing participant in a previous Year of Taking escapade, came over to my house for lunch.  I knew she was coming over and I admit I didn't do a lot of advance planning. If I were Martta, I would have made homemade bread and maybe a turkey for a lunch guest. But, sadly, I am not Martta, I am Empress Liz and I was busy with my Empress-like life (I went to Target this morning and I think we all know how distracting that can be) so I forgot to go to the store and buy any special food for lunch.  Or really any food at all.

To be fair, I did email Danielle this morning and ask if she wanted to order pizza or if she wanted soup and sandwiches. She responded that she didn't care what we ate but that she didn't eat olives.  Somehow in my mind I thought "oh, OK no pizza so I can just make sandwiches, I know we have ample sandwich stuff in our refrigerator".  And then I forgot about food for the moment.  At about noon I took some bread, cheese, the two remaining slices of ham (oops), Claussen pickle halves (delicious!!), peanut butter, Nutella, grapes, and an assortment of canned soup and placed it in an appetizing array on the counter.  It was a magazine perfect setup believe me!

When Danielle arrived I asked what she would like for me to make from the wide array of choices. She chose a ham and cheese sandwich.  Great! I had 2 pieces of ham and American cheese so I figured that would work.  But then she said she liked mustard on her sandwich  - in my defense I don't eat a lot of mustard on sandwiches so maybe my eye for quantity is a little off.  I squeezed mustard onto the bread...but as I was doing so I wondered if maybe it was too much mustard. 

It looked OK and Danielle didn't say "hey stop it! that's way too much mustard!" so I just added the ham and cheese to the  globs of mustard.  I asked if she wanted a delicious pickle and of course she said yes but that she wanted pickles on her sandwich.  Hmm...we didn't have any sliced pickles so I pulled one of the Claussen dill pickle halves out of the jar and asked her if I should cut it up before putting it on the sandwich. She said "no" so I put the pickle half right in the middle of the sandwich.  The sandwich looked kind of like a whale in between two pieces of bread.  

I didn't think about it at the time because I was busy sharing my political manifesto with Danielle (she was fascinated) but maybe Danielle didn't want a sandwich that was mostly pickle and mustard?  That thought didn't occur to me until I told Stephanie about how I made lunch today and she started asking probing questions like, "what did you make?"  And that is when I realized how much shame I should feel over taking Danielle's time today and taking away her opportunity for a delicious lunch.  When I told Stephanie about the sandwich she got that look on her face that she gets when she realizes I have done something really stupid and that she can ridicule me about for a long time. This was like Christmas-come-early for Stephanie

Stephanie asked me if I had taken a photo of the awful sandwich I made and I said that I didn't because at the point that it dawned on me that the sandwich sucked (when I saw mustard oozing out of the sides of two pieces of bread covering a giant pickle) that I didn't want to draw Danielle's attention to it.  I mean maybe she would think the sandwich was really good if I didn't say anything? 

So, Stephanie decided she would draw the sandwich the way she imagined it to be and that is the picture you see at the top of this post.  That doesn't explain the bunnies in teacups that she also put in the photo...that part of the photo has me a bit stumped.  But Stephanie lives in her own world so maybe she saw a bunny earlier and got distracted when creating the little photo of Danielle. I also don't know why there is a palm tree in the photo but I have been friends with Stephanie for a long time so I know not to even ask about that. I am sure it makes sense in her crazy mind.

And may I say, "I am truly sorry for the crappy sandwich I made you today Danielle."  I feel such shame but at the same time some pride that "taking" has become such a part of my life that I could take lunch from you without even trying! I am truly becoming a gifted taker.  I will make it up to you by making you a sandwich that is mostly ham and less pickle next time you come to my house...if you ever do.  

But if you think my day of taking ended there you are wrong.

I met Stephanie for dinner tonight (which is when it came to my attention that I am a bad hostess and bad sandwich maker) at Firebowl Cafe which makes a delicious pad thai.  Earlier in the day I told Jonathan to text me if he wanted me to bring him some dinner from Firebowl.  But then, when Stephanie started grilling me like some kind of crazy sandwich Nazi I got flustered  and I totally forgot about food for my husband and didn't check my phone until I was a block from home....and, of course, Jonathan had sent me a text asking me to bring him some pad thai.  I thought about blaming Stephanie but I realized that Jonathan would see through a self serving lie (you know, because he lives with me and knows my tricks) so I told him the truth and offered him a Sonic cheeseburger.   No go.

Ever since I got home Jonathan has been saying things like, "you know what would be really good now? Pad thai." And then he got a headache which seems to be turning into a migraine and I think he blames it on the lack of pad thai. So not only did I deprive my husband of the delicious Asian Fusion treat he craved but the lack of noodles has resulted in his developing a massive headache.  So you could say that today had been like a level 5 hurricane of Taking.

I sure will sleep well tonight. 

The end.

2 comments:

  1. I love how you find the palm tree and bunnies in my picture strange and out of place, but make no mention of the HUGE ALIEN above her head. Maybe Danielle usually hangs out with aliens and so you're used to seeing them around her.

    You had a really successful day of taking yesterday - and by taking I mean ruining everyone's meal (except for mine - I found your company delightful, but that's mostly because I got to make fun of you)!

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    1. You are correct, I didn't comment on the giant alien. But that was because Axor (that is his name) hypnotized me and told me that I would die if I wrote about him in my blog. The UFO Sighters Guide issue #468 had an article about taking alien threats very seriously and so I do. If I were you I would watch my back because aliens don't like it when you use their images in artwork without giving them some of the proceeds of the sale. You are OK now because the piece hasn't sold yet. But when it does I would recommend that you contact Axor and offer a % of the profits.

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