The Year of Taking - Julie England and the Kearns High School Band

Wow! The Year of Taking had a banner day today.  I am so excited about what I 'took' today that I can hardly stand it.

Background: my friend Julie Ward England lives in Utah and her son, allegedly, is in a band. I say allegedly because I don't even know if she has a son or if she just made that up for the Facebook scheme she is spearheading to get people to donate money to the Kearns High School Band.  I don't even know if Kearns High School exists but Julie sent me a spiffy flyer for an upcoming band concert so lets assume that the school exists but I have no idea if there is really a concert coming up or if Julie has developed an enterprising idea to line her pockets with a little cash.  That Julie is a slippery one so it's hard to say.

I told Julie I would contribute to her ponzi scheme band booster club and so I sent her a check for $5 million dollars the other day.  (OK maybe slightly less than that) In return, Julie let me "take" a few items from her. First, you have to see the envelope because at least Julie knows to call me the Empress unlike some people named Stephanie who can't seem to get the hang of my new title.

The back of the envelope is equally awesome with tons of stickers to jazz it up a little. Julie knows a little something about correspondence:

Inside the envelope here are the things I get to take from Julie:

1. A See's Candy Coupon good for 1 pound of chocolate that was supposedly given to Julie by a grateful patient (she is a RN).   I love See's and hope to be able to use this coupon very soon but what is awesome about this coupon is that I am pretty sure it's been regifted a few times. Note that it says to "Belida" not to "Julie".  So either Julie has an alias (possible, given her track record with the law) or this coupon has been passed around a bit.

2. One Starbuck's gift card. Awesome. Love it.  My metabolism is fueled mainly by caffeine so this is great for me.

3. One "gently used" saxaphone reed.  For those of you who don't know much about band instruments let me explain that saxaphone reeds are what go in the saxaphone player's mouth. They get all spit-covered and gross.  While I will "take" anything I can get during the Year of Taking I am pretty sure the joke is on me here.  For all I know the kid who used this had a cold, or malalria, or something even worse and now I have become infected just by opening the envelope. Or maybe Julie found it on the ground or something. Who knows? But, I say "Well played Julie, well played".

Here is Julie's letter in which she explains the things I am "taking" off her hands:

Here is my loot:

**In case you are wondering why the photo of the gift certificates and the sax reed appears to be upside down, the answer is that I have no clue. It was right side up when I saved it and then it appeared upside down on my blog. I have no idea how to fix this so if you have any complaints you can keep it to yourself...what do I look like to you, some kind of computer engineer?

I have to give Julie props for being the most creative contributor to The Year of Taking so far.  This was very funny stuff and I love that. Thanks for playing along Julie!

I wonder how much a "gently used saxaphone reed" would sell for on Ebay...?

The Year of Taking - Jonathan Hogue Weekend Edition

Well this has been quite a weekend of "taking" for me.  I have taken up lots of my husband's time and energy, I "took" home decor ideas from my friend Melia, and I took up part of my husband's Sunday with a home decor project.  I will go through all the "taking" I have done this weekend day by day.

Saturday
Yesterday I persuaded my husband to walk the dogs with me (not his favorite thing) which took up at least 30 minutes on Saturday. 

Also on Saturday I pointed out the front cover of Bon Appetite Magazine which has the "Best Fried Chicken" recipe on it.  I suggested that at some point we should try the recipe but I had no expectation that Jonathan would make it anytime soon.  Then I had to work most of day and all I knew was that Jonathan was going to the grocery store. When he came back he said he was going to surprise me with a special dinner. Score!! (note: Jonathan is one of the most amazing chefs in the world which is how he wooed me when we first started dating)

At around 5:30 pm when I was done working I came downstairs and Jonathan told me he was making not only the "Best Fried Chicken" recipe from the magazine but also all the other dishes that the editors/food lovers suggest be served with this chicken.  To say it was the best fried chicken I have ever had doesn't seem descriptive enough but I am from the South and grew up on fried chicken so you can believe me when I say that this meal was Heavenly.  He also made homemade macaroni and cheese and wilted escarole with proscuito (which was also amazing and way better than the name sounds).  Here is what I had for dinner:

After dinner I fell into a food coma.

Sunday
Melia posted photos on her Facebook page of some window covering stuff that she bought at Home Depot while I was visiting her.  I was less than enthusiastic about the shopping experience but when she posted photos of how great her windows looked I got very excited about getting some myself. 

Part of the reason I was so excited is that we have a long narrow window next to our front door which is ground zero for dog barking at our house.  I got so fed up with it that last Halloween (by far the worst barking day of the year at our house) that I used push pins to put up a piece of white satin cloth over the window so the dogs couldn't see outside.  It was only supposed to be for Halloween but I started to enjoy the peace and quiet and couldn't think of any other easy options so I left it there.  Classy. Very classy.  I also put a no soliciting sign up as well as one of those stickers that lets firefighters know there are pets inside in case your house catches on fire.  Don't you wish you lived next door to me and my classy front window?

Enter Melia and her classy window coverings.  After drinking my usual 24 oz of Diet Coke this morning I raced to Home Depot to purchase some of the same window covering that Melia has.  She texted me helpful tips (like measure your windows first) which was useful and allowed me to "take" some of her valuable weekend time.

I brought back the window covering and persuaded Jonathan who was quite happily relaxing, watching TV, and surfing the web in his big comfy chaise lounge to get up and help me put up the window covering. And by "help me" I mean he did 90% of the work. I took at least an hour of  his relaxation time today.  Big winner: me.

Here is our improved and much classier front window.

I love it. Next up: putting this same window covering on our kitchen windows. But not today. I have done enough taking of Jonathan's time for now. Plus I want him to save his strength for dinner...he is making steaks and mashed potatoes for dinner tonight!  I am a lucky gal and I know it. Thank you for letting me "take" so much of your time this weekend Jonathan: "best husband ever".

The Perils of Taking Food From Friends

Today I had a challenging "taking" experience and it was so unexpected because it involves my friend Lauren Farwell who is one of the most peace loving, vegetarian, PhD in Psychology-getting people I know.

This is Lauren:

Doesn't she look sweet?  This is Lauren at our favorite restaurant Tan My (best Vietnamese Pho in Austin) before we started eating.

I ordered my usual Pho: brisket and noodles in beef broth. She got shrimp in chicken broth.  My soup was delicious but, boy did her shrimp look good.  After awhile I said I would like to take a shrimp from her soup.  Before she could respond I reached over with my chopsticks and took 1 little shrimp out of her soup.

And that is when all hell broke loose.

Lauren grabbed the hot sauce container that you see in the photo above and squirted me in the eyes while simultaneously grabbing my chop sticks and ripping them out of my hands.  The flimsy little napkins they have at Tan My are no match for a quart of hot sauce and sadly for me I had forgotten the large cloth napkin I usually bring to lunch.  Lauren kicked my chair out from under me and while I was writhing on the floor in pain and trying to wipe the hot sauce out of my eyes Lauren flipped me onto my stomach and put both her knees into my back. Then she started smashing my face into the floor.

The worst part of this, from the restaurant's perspective, is that there were several small children in the restaurant at the time.  They don't need to see this kind of violence.  At this point I just started sobbing uncontrollably and offering to give Lauren all my money, the extra mints I keep in my purse, and even my shoes.  I think I may have even offered give her Matt & Stephanie's son Cash but I don't remember....I would have promised her anything to make it stop.

I think my screams of pain mixed with the voices of crying Asian children finally broke Lauren out of the trance she had fallen into.  Lauren stopped rubbing my face into the grimy linoleum long enough to lean close to my ear and whisper, "No stealing my food".  I whimpered that I would never "take" her food again and hoped I would regain sight in my right eye.

Lauren seemed to feel bad about the ninja-like fury she launched on me and she helped me get up from the floor.  I think my ribs are just bruised and my black eyes should heal in a week or so.  But I think that hot sauce may have actually blinded me in one eye. I guess it's OK I can still mostly see out of the other one.

Needless to say the proprietors of Tan My asked us to leave but they were kind enough to pack our soup to go.  The strange thing is that Lauren didn't seem at all upset with me as she walked and I limped out of the restaurant. She told me that when someone steals her food it is a "trigger" that brings back memories of when she was a homeless child living on nothing but scraps of sushi, foie gras, and french bread on the streets of Malibu, CA.  I now know not to do things to trigger her catlike reflexes and Ninja training.  No hard feelings on my part - that episode was certainly my fault.

I think we are getting together for lunch again in a couple of weeks and it turns out she is moving into my neighborhood - I hope my body heals enough to go to her housewarming party.

The Year of Taking - Douglas Family Edition

Well I took the Year of Taking on the road to Oklahoma last week and it was, overall, a huge success.  If you read this blog regularly you already know that I took food from my friend Susan Flint Shock and took my brother, Steve's, time and energy.  (Blurry and not-so-good photo of me and Susan before I took her potatoes below.) But that was just part 1 of the trip.

In Part 2 of my Oklahoma adventure I drove to Western Oklahoma to a town called Cordell to spend the weekend with my friend Melia Douglas and her family: husband Dick (winner of many compound bow competitions and iconic maker of bad jokes), son Cole (he prefers if we refer to him as a talented Gamer), and son Case (aficionado of the game Bejeweled).

When I arrived at the Douglas abode, Dick informed me that in the spirit of The Year of Taking he was going to "take" the bill for dinner that night.  Score!  Dick also "took" all of us out to dinner and was the designated driver.  So I was able to take both his money and time.  An awesome start to the weekend if you ask me. Also ate a delicious burger at the Meers Store which is in the middle of nowhere but is truly worth the drive to get there...it reminded me of a lot of mom-and-pop owned restaurants in Austin.  Loved the atmosphere and the food. (note for lovers of fried Okra - the place had the best I have ever had)    Meers Store & Restaurant

On Saturday, Melia and I drove to OKC to meet a friend of ours, Stacey Harmon Sousa for lunch.  (Note: Melia didn't get lost, it was the fault of the stupid road builders who make everything more confusing than it should be. Damn them)  We went to Ted's Cafe Escondido which was a bonanza of taking! First, both Melia and I "took" a lot of Stacey's time by showing up late and making her wait in the long line for a table.  Fortunately, by taking her time, we were able to stroll in and get seated in about 5 minutes.  When the conversation at lunch turned to the topic of resumes another "taking opportunity" presented itself...I was able to "take" the bill and expense it since we talked about topics related to my business.

After lunch Melia took us shopping. This enabled her to "take" time off Stacey's and my lives by creating an opportunity for us to stand around Home Depot while she chose some kind of window covering stuff.  I am sure it will be beautiful when its installed and I sure hope so since I spent at least 30 minutes of my life contributing to its ultimate purchase by Melia.  While Melia was diligently choosing window covering stuff I walked through the store taking random items (I was NOT shoplifting) and putting them in Melia's shopping basket while she wasn't looking.  I found this amusing.  Melia was surprised to find spray paint, full-body jumpsuits, and face masks in her basket.  She made me put all that stuff back even though I am sure she could have used all those products at some point.

When we returned to Cordell that evening Dick and Melia made an amazing dinner which I was able to take and eat.  I also "took" by not contributing anything but my witty rapparte to the dinner preparations. I also "took" some wine.

On Sunday as I was packing to leave I realized that I hadn't really taken anything of value from their house (besides their time, energy, food, and hospitality) so I started looking around for something to take.  Melia offered her silverware but she seemed a little to eager about that so I didn't know if it was because she secretly wants new silverware or because she had the cops on speed dial for just such an occasion.  Needless to say I steered clear of that potential "taking disaster".  So, I kept looking.  Melia suggested that I take Cole and Case with me. She even offered to pack all their stuff and put it in my car.  I didn't think she was really serious about that one and was, again, concerned about the potential for cops-on-speed-dial, I eliminated the kids from the possible items I might "take".

But then I saw it, the holy grail of possible items I could take: a 14-point buck trophy (deer head to you non hunters) that was hanging on the wall in the Douglas's front hall.  But how to take it without being noticed?

 I decided to sneak upstairs and try to "take" it off the wall...which was more difficult than it looked.


Next, how could I sneak out of the house without being noticed?

Surely they wont notice...

Totally busted by Dick.

Well as long as I was already caught in the act I decided to fight for it.  It got ugly.  There was blood shed and tears flowed.  Long story short, I lost.  The trophy stayed and I had to leave.  I heard that the Douglas family is installing a metal detector and gun turrets in their house to protect against "taking". 

I don't mind that I couldn't get the deer head/trophy for my year of taking project...I took a lot of other stuff in Oklahoma and this would have been the icing on the cake.  You can't have (or take) everything.

On my way out of town (visualize Dick, barefoot in his pajamas, with his shotgun running behind my car while I drive crazily down the street to flee) I stopped for gas and when I got back in the car I found that a fly had joined me for my trip.  He hung out on the windshield while I regaled him with stories of the Douglas family and we had a lovely trip back to Texas.  Isn't it great that on my way back home I could "take" one more thing in Oklahoma even it if was just an insect? (His name is Norman by the way and he is a Scorpio, likes long walks in the sun, and apparently only had a life span of about 4 hours.  We had fun together though).

Thank you to Susan, Melia, and Dick for being such good sports about The Year of Taking!  

Taking from Friends

The Year of Taking is off to a roaring start!  I have taken chopsticks, fortune cookies (which have shitty "fortunes" written in them theses days - more like random statements of fact than fortunes), toothpicks, and mints.  I have even managed to take up some of my friends' time when they read this ridiculous blog.

But yesterday was a bonanza of taking!!

First of all, I am spending a few days in Oklahoma which means I am now taking from a state other than Texas! The Year of Taking is going national!

I took free food when the lady who runs the guesthouse brought me a huge breakfast consisting of quiche, scones, and fruit salad. (I don't know if she thinks I play professional football or if she cooks this much for all of her guests) I took most of the food over to my dad's house because I couldn't eat all the food she brings for one breakfast in a week.

Then, at lunch with my friend Susan Flint Shock, I took half the potatoes off her plate. Right in front of her!  OK, if you have to know the whole story, she insisted that I take the potatoes so she wouldn't eat them all which made sense if you tasted them....very delicious and potentially fattening.  I guess that means that I also took her calories.

Then I took my brother Steve's time when he put gas in my car.  I don't know if that really counts as taking because he offered to pump the gas.  What the heck, lets count it as a "take".

I guess with all this taking I should do some giving...Stephanie's idea for "Filanthropy Friday" this week was ridiculous and I have already mocked her on her blog for this particular charity/scam so I won't give to her charity of the week.  You can read about it here: http://runningwithlumpy.blogspot.com/

No, I think that in honor of being in Oklahoma this week I will give to Blaze's Tribute Equine Rescue, Inc. which is in the tiny town of Jones, OK.  Because (seriously) if there is one thing I hate it is cruelty to animals.  So I would like to do my part for an organization that adopts neglected or abused horses.

Blaze's Tribute Equine Rescue, Inc., located in Jones, Oklahoma, is a non-profit 501(C)3 organization that strives to improve the lives of neglected, starved and abused horses. We provide equine rescue regardless of age or disability. We provide Rehabilitation, Education and Adoption Services. We promote and teach horse care and humane, natural methods for training horses.

I just donated $50 to Blaze's Equine Rescue.  (Tip for sensitive readers: don't read the Elvis Tribute section of the website unless you like to be sad and cry a lot).

OK, now I must get back to my day which includes a drive to Cordell, Oklahoma and hopefully some taking from my friend Melia, her husband Dick, and their two sons.  I wonder if I can take all their silverware without them noticing....? To be continued....

A Blog Post That I Took From An Email Sent By Joe Fusco

An email I received from a friend - in the spirit of taking I am just going to take his words and print them here.  A blog post for free!

Dear Liz,

I tried to leave a comment on your Taking blog, but it's just too much work on a Sunday morning!

Liz, don't limit your "taking" to material things. You can take things like people's dignity, too! You can take their time, their ideas, their space, their attention. Get people to do *you* favors -- it's like the opposite of philanthropy!

You can do it, Liz! I have faith in you! 

(See? You took at least five minutes of my time by making me jump through hoops trying to leave a comment over at your blog! I could have been curing cancer! And I just took your time by making you read this silly message! Easy!)

Joe Fusco

A Fine Line Between Taking and Stealing

Last night my awesome husband, Jonathan, took me to dinner at one of our favorite restaurants. On the way we discussed the possibility of me taking something from the restaurant.  Even though this is the Year of Taking (tm), I don't plan to become a thief which means that I won't steal silverware, glassware, wine, or anything that I shouldn't be "taking".  And that really limits things for me. Or maybe it means I am going to have to get really creative in this Year of Taking (tm).

So, last night I took 2 toothpicks (because nothing is classier than a 40+ year old woman picking her teeth at the table) and 1 mint.  These were all freebies offered by the restaurant but I count it as "taking".  However, with that said, saying that I took toothpicks and mints from a restaurant is hardly fodder for an interesting or amusing blog post.  I am hoping that I can come up with funny things to take during this year or I figure this blog will be doomed in about 3 weeks.

If you have any great ideas for the Year of Taking (tm) please let me know.  Taking toothpicks and then writing about it seems so pathetic that I can barely finish typing this sentence.

Year of Taking Hero of the Day

If you read my Facebook page you know all about my overachieving friend Martta who spends the time that the rest of us would use for sleep to make crafts, her clothes, refinish furniture, and bake.  She is insane but in a  good way.

Anyway, Martta (of course) has a blog where she demonstrates how to make all kinds of crafts.  Today's post was about how she used paint chips (not the lead kind that Stephanie used to eat) that you get at Walmart or Home Depot to make a piece of art.  This piece of art required tons of these little paint chips so she took no less than 3 trips to Walmart to take (or steal, depending on how you look at it) at least 100 of those chips for her art.

I name Martta the Year of Taking Hero of the Day for taking, rather than buying, paint chips for her crafts.  

You can view her blog post and this priceless piece of art here: http://hmhdesigns.wordpress.com/2012/01/05/paint-chip-art/

The Year of Taking - Week 1

Last year, my best friend Stephanie came up with the idea of making small charitable donations to a different charity every week. Her original idea was to skip going out to lunch one day and donate the amount of lunch $5 - $15 to a nonprofit.  Great idea and we had a great time coming up with worthy causes. For example, we donated to:

The World Wildlife Fund
The American Red Cross
Bare Necessities
Ronald McDonald Childrens Home
Homes for Our Troops
Breast Cancer Resource Center of Austin
The Rose (Houston, TX)
Wild Mustang Rescue
Cavalier King Charles Rescue

In fact, I can't even remember all the charities we donated to.  My favorite was a little guinea pig rescue group in Maine or New Hampshire. I guess I am going to have to go through all those receipts and organize them for my accountant soon.

Anyway, the point is that 2011 was the year of giving.  And to what end? Did we save the world? Clearly not. Did I save that cute Arctic Fox I saw on the WWF website? (what a rip off that was! I thought I was adopting the fox but it never showed up at my house) What about all those HIV infected babies in Africa? No idea what happened to our money or if it made a difference.

So this year, 2012, is going to be completely different.  I declare 2012 The Year of Taking!  This year instead of trying to save the world I am going to enrich myself by taking (or getting someone to give me) something every week.  Like tonight for example, when I told my husband about this blog he gave me a quarter to kick things off.  In addition to my .25 booty I also took two sets of chop sticks and two fortune cookies from the restaurant where I hatched the plan for this blog with Stephanie.

The Year of Taking has begun.